Fifty Shades of Coexist
by WritersInfinity
Summary: Ana and Christian are two strangers recovering from dark pasts. When their paths cross, Ana's darkest secret becomes exposed but Christian makes a promise to help her. Unfortunately for Ana, Christian has an ulterior motive. One she won't see coming. Rated M for Dark Themes, Adult Content, Sexual Situations and Language.
1. Prologue - Ana

**With the support and encouragement from friends and family I have decided to post my take on this phenomenon. I wrote this story with original characters and just converted it to Fifty Shades format. Not all the characters, mostly Christian, will not have all the aspects that he consisted of in the novels. **

**Expect frequent updates because I pre wrote this. Big love to anyone who reads and or reviews this story. xoxo**

**All rights belong to E. L. James; story line is mines as are any additional characters therein.**

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**Prologue – Ana**

Pain. It was the only emotion I could feel. Wanted to feel. It fueled the hunger that surged inside of me. Pure bliss for others was chaste desolation for me. I see people for who they are. The only _gift_ I was granted in this life. Most don't give themselves the credit they truly deserve. But me? I'm the home of imperfections, limitations, and weakness. There is no hope for me. No salvation. I look at myself and I see nothing that is worthy. I truly feel like I'm lost; that I'm in a maze with no end. I don't sleep at night. Somehow I prefer it that way, since I discovered nightmares no longer wait for sleep.

47. The number of times I've cut myself. Some are deep for an intensified burn and others shallow just enough to pierce my now non-porcelain creamy skin. When I hit my absolute low I cut myself on the insides of my thighs. Compared to my wrists it feels more powerful like a blazing fire. _It is the last time. _The continuous lie I tell myself. My last cut before I take a new sense of direction, but the words never seem to follow through. I am not a fucked up teen with a psychological disorder. I'm aware of the actions I am self inflecting and the dangers. But when the sharp metal grazes my skin I'm at a high; practically intangible to the outside world. Just me and the metal becoming one. United.

I don't expect anyone to understand my intentions of cutting. Honestly I don't quite know myself, but I just let it be. If I wasn't meant to abuse myself then I wouldn't be. When we are born our life is designed, planned, and premeditated. We may drift off that course, but we are brought back to continue that quest; to fulfill it.

Light is just a figment. The human mind is programmed to see good, be good, create good. It is all a lie. There is no hope. Optimism is a joke. Darkness ultimately outweighs light. With every birth there is death. For every yang, there's a yin. For every sunrise, there's a sunset. Generally people think the world is balance. So naïve if you ask me.

My mom died when I was fourteen. I don't blame her for my cutting. She didn't cause this; I had a choice. She would always tell me, "_When something bad happens to you have three choices. You can either let it define you. Let it destroy you. Or let it strengthen you." _My choice didn't define me it defined my actions. Till this day my actions make up who I am. There is no time to think about the "what ifs" or your regrets. We have to live to create our life, our memories, our dreams. What lies ahead is waiting for our arrival. All we have to do is jump and pray that we have someone to catch us.

I'm twenty-one years old. Just existing, but not truly living. Change is in order, I realize that but it's going to take some time. I need time. It is easy to create something but harder to fix it. I'm not saying I need fixing because I'm not broken. An adjustment is all I need and I will get there. One day.


	2. Prologue – Christian

**Prologue – Christian**

As I awaken from my slumber, sunlight hits my face and brings warmth to my olive skin. The feeling was immensely pleasurable. The fluorescent rays made acknowledgment that I am awaking to another day.

Pulling the covers off of my half naked body I ascend from my bed and head toward the bathroom. I flick the light switch on and turn to the mirror. A grin compels my face as I see a growing man with a rising future, a future full of awaiting accomplishments. My family raised me to be thankful for life, for every breath I took in and exhaled. I was successful in that task, however my sister, Mia, was not. I try to shake that haunting thought from my mind. That was the past. The past is meant to be forgotten. A faint memory. My attempt is unsuccessful and the lingering nostalgic thoughts awaken.

January 30th, 2005 was her last day on earth. The last day I heard her voice; saw her face, a morsel of life. Somehow she lost her way. She gave up on life and could not handle existence. Her motive was nonexistent. She was never bullied or harassed. Our family was not neglectful, but always compassionate.

My world fell off its axis when I got the call. My mother was barely audible when announcing she had died. The thought of her dying was hard to absorb, but when I heard she committed suicide it was just profound. A long list formed in my head as to how she did it. Gun? No. That was too aggressive. Suffocation? No. When it came to my sister she didn't have enough generic patience; let alone the patience that suffocation consists of when waiting for the air to relinquish her body.

Then it hit me. I remember one night after dinner while we were helping washing dishes I suggested that she roll up her sweater so she wouldn't ruin it. She instantly tensed up and I could tell she was hiding something. I could never handle secrets. Secrets in our family are taboo. She continued cleaning the dishes but I couldn't hold back my curiosity to why she was being so sheltered. So I urged on the matter of her to roll up her sweater, but every time she acted like there were no words coming out of my mouth. Finally, my frustration imploded and I grabbed her wrist with one hand and reeled her sweater upward. Before she could pull out of my grasp I caught a glimpse of small but perceptible cuts that had scarred.

I should have known. Her death could have been prevented. She could still be here living, laughing, perhaps even falling in love. From that day I never stopped feeling the guilt. The excruciating blame consumed me. My health was depleting to the point that I was basically killing myself. Rationality came into play and I came to the conclusion that I needed to live. Live my life for her; for both of us.

I was saved. I like to think I had a guardian angel looking over me. That guardian angel was my sister. She saw the potential my life could bring to the earth, and by saving my life, I knew I had a purpose.

Therapy became my escape. To listen to others who have gone through the same situation was alleviating. I wasn't alone. I wanted answers, but they never came. However, I didn't take their word for it. From then on, I dedicated my life to discover the reason behind the mind of someone who cuts. Someone who can let go and take his or her own life.

So here I am today, twenty-seven years of age, waking up to another Monday, and a new year. Teaching psychological behavior for my third year as a professor at Washington State University Vancouver. I've learned more than the average understanding of psychology from websites, articles, and books. I have knowledge covered in all areas of the psychological mind of a cutter. My only wish is to broaden that and seek someone's actual experience - their thoughts, desires feelings. I_ need_ to know, and I will do anything to make that dream become reality.


	3. Chapter 1

**Thank you for the follows, views, and favorites! Whether you chose to review on every chapter or just the one at the end of my posting session, I appreciate each and every review. Thank you, and hope to hear from you soon! Questions, suggestions, and constructive criticism are always welcome and appreciated.**

**Forewarning grammar errors are inevitable. I edit all of my work, so please don't slam me. Thanks!**

*****All chapters will be in Ana's point of view unless I say otherwise.*****

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**Chapter 1**

Breathe. All I had to do was breathe. Clam the mind and forget the past. That task however was merely successful. Mondays were always the hardest to get through. Starting a new day of a new week. Forgetting the days before it. Yesterday is gone and I will never relive that day. Forever buried in time.

I'm giving college one last chance to prove me wrong. Persuade me that there is something here to grasp my attention; something to pull me in. I have one year to do it. I'm graduating this spring from Washington State University Vancouver with a degree in photojournalism. Once I walk across that stage I'm going to begin a new chapter in my life. One that hopefully opens numerous doors for my future. I won't let my cutting stop me from the life I'm destined to have.

My blue eyes magnify in intensity as I gaze into my bathroom mirror. I swallow in the fable I tell myself daily. It's a way to keep my sanity balanced. _I am a reflection of beauty, self-worth, and dignity. There is no longer need for inexorable walls and barriers to shield myself from the outer world. _I try to let it soak in and reside in my mind, where it belongs, but it never does. It's like my mind is immune to any ounce of exuberance.

As I reach for the drawer below me, a metal shard falls to floor making a _pang._ There_ it_ was. The weapon I used to destroy myself with. It must of have fallen from my former secret compartment. I promised myself I would get rid of it, but I just couldn't physically do the deed. I never knew how difficult hoarding an object could be. An object that I should let go; needed to let go.

I used to battle with death on a daily basis. God, I tried so hard. I could barely keep my head above water. I was drowning in my own suffering. Choking on the blood that I liberated from my body. I would watch it flow down to upper arm and finally drip to the cool tile surface of my bathroom.

I break the vivid visions and try to reach sanctuary. I succeed and compose my mind with the thoughts of wanting to change.

Unfortunately, I had to wake up and hour early to deliver my best friend and roommate, Kate Kavanagh's, research project over psychology. She fancies and tries to dig to the root of why people do the things they do. Eventually she wants to get her B.A. in psychology and become a supervisory special agent. Kate is the only one who holds my secret. Well she attests she does and I pray that's true. Kate's forte isn't keeping secrets. She tends to blab anyone's deepest darkest secrets to the first person she sees. Another one of her unlikeable quality is forgetfulness. If I remember clearly, she swore forgetting to turn in her summer research paper wasn't her fault. She quote on quote "lost track of time." It took a lot of effort to convince me to help her. However, Kate is the master at persuasion and it didn't help that I have a pile of debts to return.

"Thank you. God, I could kiss you right now!" She yelled over the phone. I could sense her smiling from ear to ear. "But I'm kind of still in Maui."

Aw, poor Kate stuck in tropical paradise with her family, because her plane was canceled. Something about a tropical storm warning in the west coast. She better be happy. I'm having to get up an hour early and walk to the complete opposite side of the university's wing just to turn in this damn paper.

"Tell me again why you couldn't have just e-mailed this to your professor? I asked apparently, as I make my last attempt to get out of this favor. "I mean isn't it too late to turn it in?"

"Don't complain," she irritably stated. "Plus you owe me. Big time!"

"Anything else your majesty?"

I frown knowing I can't get out of this. My conscience is holding a banner that says "_Hi, I'm Ana aka Kate's bitch!"_

"Oh yeah I almost forgot!" Kate gasped through the phone. "You don't even know my professor's name!"

How could I almost forget the most crucial piece of information I needed to turn in Kate's assignment? What an amateur mistake.

"My professor's name is Mr. Grey. His office is on the fourth floor of Emerson Hall. He knows about me turning in my paper late. He gave me an extension, because of my flight. He is leaving his office door open before his first seminar starts. So get there around seven-ish. And don't be late. I can't have my reputation ruined. I have a standard to uphold you know."

I struggle to contain my giggles. Kate Kavanagh? Ruing her reputation? It couldn't be dinted even if it got hit by an 18-wheeler. The stunning blonde could bewitch every guy with a functional dick with only one look of her sapphire irises.

"He does know that you aren't the one turning in the paper? Right? I say hesitantly. "That I'm the one coming, not you? I just don't want him to think I am trying to be a nuisance."

"Don't worry about it," I can hear luggage rumbling around and Kate panting. "I covered everything. Just walk in, put it on his desk, and walk right out. Done deal. I got to go. The plane is about to take off and I don't want to be yelled at by the flight attendants."

"Okay b-," Kate cuts me off to get the last word in. Typical Kate.

"And Ana, don't ever think you are a nuisance. You could be the head vixen on campus if you would just let loose and stop being stubborn. That says a lot coming from head temptress at WSUV."

"I love you Kate but your ego is about to combust and if I don't get going then your research paper will be late. As I recall your reputation is at risk." A devilish grin braces my face knowing I got the last laugh.

"Fine, fine. I'll see you soon." I say and the line goes dead.

Getting ready never is an inconvenience. A light coat of mascara, some lip balm, and a slight brush through my long brunette hair. Spring weather in Vancouver has been abnormally cold, so I select a burgundy knit sweater and layer it with a dark grey leather jacket and black jeans. Grey biker boots and a coal colored scarf for the finishing touches. Conservative and comfortable were my two and only two factors I cared about when it comes to my wardrobe. A final glance in the mirror and I'm off.

Walking is my choice of transportation. It gives me time to think. Listen to the natural sounds that surround me. Kate and I don't live too far from the university. We live in a small community of duplex apartments in Vancouver. Kate's family bought us the apartment at the end of our freshman year stocked with new furniture and appliances. It's nice to call a place home. A place I can go back to when I have a rough day, and I need something that reminds me of a domestic setting.

By the time I reach the east wing I'm exhausted. I pull out my phone from my jean's front pocket. 7:25 a.m. Just enough time to get in and get out and make it to my first class on time. The feeling in my legs heeds my complete attention. They feel like jell-o and I can hardly catch my breath. I spot Emerson Hall, residence to the school's liberal arts department. Just my luck it's one of the tallest buildings in the wing; four stories tall to be exact. To make matters worse, Kate's professor's office is on the fourth floor. I make the decision to run up the stairs because of the time crunch. As I'm running up the stairs, I never realized how a flight of stairs can cause you to struggle breathing, let alone four. And it doesn't help that I have a ten pound messenger bag full of books, class assignments and my laptop hitting against my thigh every other step I take. I will surely have bruises by early tomorrow morning.

Exercise isn't in my daily routine. I never required it because of my lean figure. It is clear that my body will be aching tomorrow morning. I make a mental reminded to get aspirin on my way home. My complaining is brought to a standstill as I reach the end of the fourth flight. Relief washes over me when I notice that there are only four offices on the floor which is rare compared to the standard ten.

As I walk by each office, my eyes drift over the name place cards. Each one I pass displays that all these professors have a Ph.D in their field. _Joseph Misner, Human Anthropology, Elliot Lancaster, Linguistics, Jennifer Wiley, Philosophy. _

Since being in college I've gained knowledge that superior knowledge comes with age. As I gaze through the window glass, that theory is accurate as I see the mid aged educators focused on their work or on phone calls. Their offices are all conservative and old-fashioned. Knick-knacks and antiques beautify the dull white walled rooms.

I halt when I met my destination.

_Christian Grey, Psychology._

Just as expected, Professor Grey's office door was wide open, and vacant. I'm hit with a fragrance of citric scents with a hint of leather when I take my first steps into the spacious and modern decorated room. A leather couch sits along the art framed walls. I count five architectural and vibrant pieces of art. Art is a passion of mine and all its aspects. It provides another reality where the impossible become possible, and there are no limits. No boundaries.

Interest in the paintings fade as the aroma causes me to advance further. It's intoxicating, and it sends a sure of electricity through my body. It was the most alluring scent I've ever encountered. I immediately think if this is the way he smells. No, he possibly couldn't. No midlife crisis man could smell this delectable. Yet, what if for once luck was on my side. His room was different than all the others. It has a more lively taste rather than an apathetic one.

I restrain my subsequent thoughts as I hear a faint clearing of what sounds like a males' hoarse clearing of his throat. My movements become refrained and the flesh of my cheeks burn to a bright pink as I amass up the courage to turn around to the mysterious creator the masculine yet sensual sound.

I'm in awe. Dumbfounded by his gray eyes. I've never seen a shade of gray this beautiful. The deep steel pigments draw me into a trance. I'm fazed and I never want to leave.

My eyes can't help but to linger and dissect this man; this work of art. Tousled dark hair that appears to still be damp presumably from just getting out of a shower. Oh what I would give to have had been in that shower. Feel the wet pebbles of water fall on us while we enrich ourselves into each other's gazes. Skin on skin. Just enjoying the silence of unspoken words.

His jaw line was sharp and chiseled. Whereas his cheekbones defined and elevated in all the right places. A smile becomes visible through his pink full lips and it's luring. I physically feel drained from the amount of sexual desire coming from between my legs. My body almost gives out when I see him in a tailored black suit with a white oxford shirt and black tie.

Damn he looks good in a suit. Only if I knew what he looks like without it. I bite my lip in overwhelming desire. I didn't mind the eye sex I was giving off. Even if it was one sided. This man was a sight and I wouldn't mind staring at him for days.

He clears his throat one more but a tad bit louder.

I quickly become embarrassed as I notice I have a bit of drool in the corner of my mouth. _Slick move Ana! Real classy._

Well my first impression is out the door. He must think I haven't had any action in months. Which isn't all that false. All I can say is that it has been awhile and sex withdrawals are deadly.

My composure is reinstated and I reach out my hand gesturing for a handshake. He accepts the gesture and grips my hand firmly. A slight shock of static hits my fingertips as I pull away my hand from his. His eyes develop into a state of confusion as well as curiosity. And I'm on board the same ship as him. What the hell was that?

I wonder if he noticed the sudden tingle as I did. It was too fervent to overlook.

"And who might you be," His velvet voice resonates sex. "And why are you in my office before school hours."

Shit shit shit. Just what I wanted to avoid. I'm a nuisance. I can see it in his face. He must think I'm a lost undergraduate looking for trouble. God, I'm going to kill Kate! She said she had everything taken care of. Her forgetfulness is become a major problem.

I stumble with words as I try to croak out a reasonable explanation as to why I'm in his office. Nothing comes out so I fumble through my messenger bag to retrieve Kate's research paper. I pull it out and hand it to him. He reluctantly takes it from me probably wondering why a non-student of his is handing over a ten page pile of papers.

My confidence finally bubbles up to the surface and I state my purpose and name.

"I'm Ana Steele. My friend, Kate, got stuck in Maui. She said she contacted you about her paper. And by the look of surprise from the sudden intruder in your office, I can tell she forgot to mention I was turning in her paper for her."

"Clearly," Professor Grey obviously is agitated by my unannounced appearance.

He keeps his stance strong and assertive, like he should. Silence takes over and I can feel his mesmerizing eyes roam over me head-to-toe. What is his deal? My arm holding the mount of Kate's project is becoming unbearable to hold. Why hasn't he taken it yet? I'm not contagious with the flu or something, we've already shaken hands. Evidently this is strangely becoming an unwanted standoff.

I resign to just placing the stack of papers on his desk to diminish the awkward atmosphere.

When he notices that I no longer have a purpose in being in his office, he makes an attempt to stop me. He uses his body to create a barrier in the doorway; my only exit. What is wrong with this guy?

Professor Grey must be delusional or have a mental illness. It makes total sense, him being a psychology professor and all. Trying to avoid eye contact with his gray eyes, I look down at the carpet covered flooring and tuck back a stray piece of my hair.

My eyes drift to my messenger bag, which is still open from retrieving Kate's papers. I close the latch on my bag and secure the strap so that it is fastened to my liking.

This room is starting to give me the chills and so is Professor Grey. Keeping my head down I latch onto the strap of my overly heavy bag and head for the door. I guess Professor Grey had to same idea of moving from our positions, mine more uncomfortable then his and we collide into each other.

As we clash into each other's bodies and I can feel his structured and defined torso. Every abdominal muscle of his contracts with our impact. I would have collided into a long time ago if I knew how toned he was. Our collision forces me backward and I land straight on my ass. _Great, more bruises_.

My misfortune prolongs when I notice the strap attached to my bag tore off. Papers disperse around the floor along with my brick thick books, and laptop. All my hair makes a veil over my face and I'm to my max. I've never been this frustrated and exasperated.

"Seriously!" My voice almost comes out as a yell. I think Professor Grey thinks it's directed toward him because his face turns into guilt.

I sit up on my knees and pull my hair over to the left side of my neck to collect my things. Out of habit, I roll up the sleeves of my jacket to gain better access to my personal items.

While scavenging through my papers my eyes move up and I spot Professor Grey through my long lashes. He bends down to my eye level and I focus my attention back to my scattered belongings. His movements are diminutive and steady. Only recovering the items nearby him.

I look up once more and my eyes lock with his. Our connection breaks and I notice his eyes amble toward my wrists. Faint, but small visible scars are seen on the surface of my skin. I panic and hurriedly unravel my jacket's sleeves. How could I be so foolish? I know my actions weren't quick enough and I know he caught a glimpse.

His mouth is open like he wants to say something, but nothing comes out. I stack all my collected belongings into my arms and rest them against my chest. I'm entirely ashamed. Not because he saw, but because I let my guard down. I let my  
wall come down for a split second and that's all it took for me to make a mistake. Calamity follows me. Out running it was impossible, because it was my shadow; it haunted me.

Tears begin to form in my eyes. Before I unravel into a complete mess, I storm off in almost a sprint. As I glance back, Professor Grey is standing still with a puzzled expression. God, that man is mysterious. That only adds to my curiosity. Who is this man?

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**And so the plot thickens. Do you think Professor Grey saw Ana's scars? We will see! Please leave your thoughts, comments, etc. See you next time! xoxo**


	4. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Hello, my readers! As always, please let me know what you think of this chapter or any others.**

**Thank you for all of your reviews and other notifications that you're reading my story. They keep me motivated to continue with the story! Keep them coming! Hope to hear from you soon!**

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**Chapter 2**

Learning in my classes was not at all easy. Not only did I have to carry my ten pounds of belonging from one class to the other, but Professor Grey occupied my thoughts all afternoon. I still can't quite comprehend how an educator can be so taciturn when he probably rambles on and on about psychological theories throughout his entire seminars. Professor Grey is one complex man. He seems like those people that you have to peel back each layer just to get to their surface.

I want to ram my head into a thick wall. Get these futile thoughts to disappear. And if the impact of slamming my skull into a drywall fails, maybe…

No. I stopped that. I have to stop relying on self inflicting pain just because I have a mere slip up. Today could have happened in front of anyone. Although, I don't think I've ever experience a more chaotic day. I know having my secret exposed in front of a teacher, a psychological teacher at that, see my scars is better than a campus student. If one did, by tomorrow morning everyone would know my secret and I would have to transfer schools. Probably to another country and change my name just to be safe.

My walk home gives me time to think. Time to fully soak in the events that happened today. At three, I arrive at my apartment. I hear unruly noises and a faint voice coming from inside. I'm not expecting anyone soon, because the possibility of the voice being Kate is out the window. She just left Maui seven hours ago, but her flight is a layover which landed her in California. If I'm right she shouldn't be here for another hour or two.

Placing my books, laptop, and other things on the corner hip of my right side. I retrieve my keys from around my neck, which is attached to a necklace, with my left arm. It's a little childish, but it comes in handy, knowing it's always nearby. Plus, I don't have to scramble through my bag to get them. Which in my luck of today, I have no bag to scramble through.

Slowly opening the door, I cautiously make my way into the building. The door makes a creaking sound. If there is an intruder here I'm surely found out. The intruder theory vanishes as I spot piles of luggage spread across the hard wooden floors of my apartment.

_Looks like Kate is home._

If I recall Kate only brought three suitcases to her trip. I count the cases sprawled on the floor and that number has nearly doubled. Maui must have had one bad ass mall.

"Kate?" I yell loud enough so that my voice can echo throughout our place.

"In my room," Kate duplicates my tone and I sigh in relief knowing Kate isn't some stocky homeless man burglarizing our home. "Do you mind grabbing a suitcase and bringing it to my room?"

_Sure why not Kate? Because I planned on coming home from a long and stressful day to become your slave. God, I need to get a fucking backbone._

I put down "Get a backbone" in my never-ending imaginary bucket list.

"Do you have a preferable choice?"

"No, just pick one. Anyone will do."

I grab one of Kate's designer suitcases at random. This one looks like a Louis Vutton design. My guess, it's probably not even in stores yet. And to top it all off, it's one of a kind. Kate isn't too fond of having anything someone already else owns.

I maneuver through the many overstuffed suitcases and drag what feels like a thousand ton sack of bricks to Kate's room.

When I arrive at the door opening of Kate's bedroom, I drop her suitcase on the floor. Her head whiplashes toward my direction in confusion.

"What's wrong?" Kate asks innocently obviously missing the reason for my sudden startle.

"Have enough clothes?" I inquire as I examine the room. Two unpacked suitcases lay opened, which adds two to the five I counted previously.

My eyes roam over to Kate's closet. It is completely empty, except for a few blouses that still have the tag on them. Her bedroom floor contains what looks like her old clothes, which in my opinion appear like they've only been worn once or twice.

"You should know when it comes to me; I can never have enough clothes. And two, I'm trying a new thing called 'Out with the old, in with the new'. You've might have heard of it before. You can't be too far down the antisocial hole of yours not to."

I roll my eyes and look down to obtain Kate's fallen suitcase that nearly dodged my feet. 'Get a backbone' just jump shot up to number one on my bucket list. I pull the suitcase far enough into her room and set it against her bed since there is no way in hell I'm going to get it up on her bed.

"How are you even here so early?" I question her eagerly trying to solve the cause behind her mysterious and early arrival. "And where's your car? It wasn't in the front."

"Got lucky. I forgot to tell you my family switched our flight to non-stop, and not a layover. It was a last minute thing." Kate was quick to reply. "Parents took my car to get it detailed. Won't have it back for a while."

I arch my eye brow still a little suspicious, but I drop the topic. I'm glad she's home. We can finally have our girl nights, stay up late, and watch overacted reality TV shows.

"Anyways enough about me. Did turning in my project go well? He left the door open right?" She questioned while hanging up her last new articles of clothing.

Great. I never did all that well with Kate's interrogations.

"Yeah about that." I mutter staring down at my hands and anxiously begin to wring them together.

"You didn't turn it in?" Kate shouts at me in accusation and I can see her face begin to turn shades of red.

"No I did! God, you always think the worst!"

Kate immediately calms down from the good news. We both hop onto her bed and face each other, legs crossed in front of us.

"I only think the worst when you make me think that way."

Even though I hated when Kate was right she had a point. I have a tendency to over exaggerate and mislead things. Another pathetic quality of mine.

"Your right, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you."

"Well now you're starting to make me worry all over again. What happened?"

I told Kate a play-by-play of my highly awkward encounter with Professor Grey. No detail was missed; except the part where her professor saw my scars. Fabrication was necessary. Kate hated when people would cut corners and only tell the key points in stories. Every detail mattered to her. I'm just crossing my fingers she doesn't notice I'm hiding something.

"So Mr. No Show showed up, huh?" Kate grinned at my predicament. "His meeting probably ended early."

"Why are you smiling? This is serious!" I cry out and hit her upper arm. She makes an _ow_ noise, but I ignore her griping and continue. "What about his weird behavior? He said one word to me. Isn't that a bit strange?"

Kate shrugs her shoulders. "That part does seem unusual. Amongst his students and me, he can't keep his mouth shut. But Ana, you have nothing to worry about. Stop being a worry wart! You're acting like he knows about your big dark secret."

Silence engulfs the room, and I know she's caught my lie in her web.

"Anastasia Rose Steele, what are you hiding from me? You are the worst at keeping secrets and I'm the best at detecting them. So spit it out!"

I tell her everything, but when I finish my eyes gaze down. I can't look at her face. I'm already too disappointed in myself. I can't stand for her to feel the same.

"Are you even sure? I mean, yes he was looking down where your wrists were, but there were papers everywhere. Maybe he saw something on the paper that he caught sight of and had some odd interest in it. And aren't those scars from you're freshman year of high school. They should be too faded for him to even see."

"I know you're trying to make me feel better by shinning some light onto this dark and depressing matter. But let's face reality here. He saw and who know what he might do. My luck he's probably already went to the dean and by tomorrow morning I'll be transferred to some mental hospital!"

"Ana, if Professor Grey told anyone don't you think you would have got informed by now?"

"I guess so, but-" I say but I'm quickly cut off by Kate.

"No, no 'buts'. You're having a panic attack over nonsense! And you're not leaving even if the dean comes in here himself and drags you by your teeth. Besides, I need you."

I fly forward to Kate, arms wide, coercing my arms around her tight. Oh how wrong she is. Kate needing me is a major understatement. I need her more than she needs me. Without her guidance and support I'm not sure I would be in college right now let alone breathing. Mainly her just listening to me has helped me tremendously. After high school, I lost all connections with my father. I think he tried to hold my mother's death in for so long that he finally hit his breaking point when I left home.

A tear expels from my eyes, and Kate breaks our embrace.

"Hey, don't cry." She murmurs. "Remember we only cry for three reasons. One, if we are watching a movie with Ryan Gosling. Two, boys. And three, if we're PMSing.

We both laugh uncontrollably and a smile grazes my face. I wipe away the shed tear, and collect myself. She pulls away at arm's length and grabs my shoulders.

She murmurs while staring into my eyes, "Tomorrow will be a new day. Stop stressing about today because what's happened has happened and you can't take it back. You taught me that."

She gets off her bed when she sees her words of wisdom –really mine, has taken the affect she wanted.

"Now get changed. I'm not going out in public with you looking like that." Kate says as she wags her pointer finger up and down my body. "Pick something sexy out."

"What? Wait. Why?"

"My welcome back party, silly," Kate replies as she gives me a look the says are-you-serious-I-thought-that-was-obvious. "I can't just waltz back on campus and not have a party, Ana. Plus, I want to dance and a night club is the perfect place to do so."

"But, I don't have anything what you call sexy." I say putting up my fingers in air quotation marks when I say the word sexy.

Kate gestures to the pile of clothes she had just removed from her closet. "Out with the old in with the new. I have the new, now you have the old."

Her old wasn't even old, but I'm not complaining. Why would anyone complain when your best friend hands over three thousand dollars worth of clothes? A nut case, that's who!

"Can't complain about me having too much clothes, now can you?"

I can't help but giggle at her smart ass comment and proceed to the mass selection of my now old/new clothes. My eyes catch sight of a deep red, almost crimson dress. When I pull it up out from under all the other clothes, I glance at the dress from the top down. This dress should be illegal! I can hardly call this even a dress. It has a fitted bodice with a sweetheart neckline and cut outs along the waistline. Imagining the garment on me, I picture the hem barely passing my "goods".

"How can you call this a dress?" I protest to Kate, when I wave and hold up the outfit.

"Nice choice! Trying to get laid?"

"No! Are you?" I say in a snarky tone. Taking sight upon her jet black leather dress and plunging neckline she just put on makes me want to cover her up, as if I'm her mother.

"We're going to Saints and Sinners tonight. Anything goes." Kate guides her hands to cup her breasts. She looks down at her perfect cleavage then back up at me. "Hmm, I feel like I'm not showing enough."

"Kate you have enough showing for me and you both. Besides, isn't that club full of horn dogs this time of night? It is the first night back at college."

She shrugs. "Yeah so? You can put that dress to good use!"

My eyes practically roll to the back of my head. No matter how hard I fought her on this she would just continue on her mission to get me to wear this dress. Temptation began to consume me. I want to know how the dress would look on me. Why could Kate get under my skin with a snap of her well manicured fingers?

She struts over to me and takes the dress away from me. "You don't have to wear it you know. I bet one of your measly sweaters will suffice."

I snatch the dress out of her hands and clutch it against my chest. "No! I'll wear it."

My sudden action not only startled Kate but myself as well. Why do I have to wear this whore-ish dress? _Change._ Could that be the reason? My motivation. _One night, Ana. You are only wearing this slutty dress for one night. That's it. And I can burn it later if you never want to see it ever again. _Deal. I feel like I'm making a deal with the devil. My conscience the devil? This can't be good.

We wait more than a few hours before we start getting presentable. I offer to cook us a quick meal before we go out, but Kate said she already ate on the plane. To stop my eager hunger craving, I munch on some cheese and crackers.

Around ten, Kate has dolled me up and to be honest, I look hot. My inner vixen has come out to play. No more begin caged up. She's free. I'm free. Well for one night at least.

We take a taxi to the night club. Wearing these four-inch heels Kate is letting me wear isn't my shoe of choice. I just hope I don't break an ankle.

It's ladies night at Saints and Sinners, how convenient. Kate uses her finesse to cut in front of the long line of young college students and locals. She also uses her flattery get us in for free. I had to admit, hanging out with Kate has its perks.

Fluorescent lights strike my face nearly blinding me. The club is packed, almost to the point where I might diagnose myself with claustrophobia. But I shouldn't be surprised, it is the first day of school starting up again, and students need to get a load off. Although, I don't remember getting slammed with any homework assignments. It could just be another pitiful excuse to go out and get hammered.

Kate and I force our way towards the bar through the already intoxicated patrons. On our way over there, I have a strong hunch at least four guys felt me up. God, I knew this dress was a terrible idea. Kate orders us both two shots of tequila. She hands one of them to me with a too wide of a smile for my liking. What is she up to?

"Cheers!" She screams over the shrilling dance music.

I position the glass shot glass against my lips and tilt my head back. The tequila hits the back of my throat causing a burning sensation and continues as it glides down to my stomach.

As suspected, she hands me my next shot simultaneously after my head is position back upright. I given into her feeble demand and shoot down the glass as I did the previous one.

Two shots turn into four, then six. Kate's plan becomes clear as I start to feel woozy. She must have told the bartender to keep the drinks coming. Fortunately, I've had my fair share of personal experiences with alcohol to know when enough is enough. Let's just say daddy loved drinking his sorrows away.

My usually clear and collected head feels foggy and in a daze. Thank God I'm sitting in this stool. I look over to my right and spot two guys practically drooling all over Kate. And she's nursing every drop of attention up like a sponge. Even having Kate make me over doesn't ameliorate my chances in getting hit on. I think I spoke too soon when a tall figure holding a drink struts toward me.

He looks remarkably familiar. His chiseled features and breathtakingly dark brown eyes clicks my drunk mind into a state of remembrance. José Rodriguez. He sits two rows down from me in my photo journalism class. I can't recall if he participates in any sports, but he sure as hell has a body like he does.

"Ana, right?" He clearly is forcing his novice charm on me. "It's me. José, from photo journalism."

I nod, too scared to say something unforgettably embarrassing. So much for liquid courage.

He moves closer to me; pushing his toned body against mine. "Can I buy you a drink?"

His breath reeked of alcohol, my guess some cheap brand of beer. I also smelt a foul cologne mixed in with his repulsive odor. But I have no right to judge. Kate and I, most likely guzzled down a half a bottle of tequila on our own. No doubt, I'm having a hangover waiting for me when I wake up tomorrow.

"No thanks, I think I've had enough alcohol for one night." I smile, knowing I didn't sound like a total loser.

"Well it sounds like to me you're done here. And so am I." He slurs while swirling his empty beer in his hand. He advances closers and extends his free hand towards my exposed upper thigh. "Let's go somewhere quite. Just you and me. How does that sound?"

The palms of my hands press against his firm chest in an attempt to get some much needed distance. My efforts backfire and he travels toward my ear. His hand resumes its prior position but this time he grazes it slightly upward. My breath hitches and its evident I'm in a tight spot. I twist my head to make an effort to get Kate to be my savior, but she's too caught up in her little world. _Someone save me._

I sense his warm breath hit my ear. I gulp hard. "Come on baby, my place is just a few blocks away. Then we can get rid of these pesky clothes. What do you say?"

What do I say? I had an infinite list this thing I could say to the douche bag. However, I can only choose one to fully get this asshole to get the hell off me.

"Fuck off!" My hand flies in the air until it hits the hard surface of his skin. Perfect. Short and simple. And a slap to the cheek to top it all off. Who would have thought I had it in me?

I look around to see a dozen or so pair of eyes staring in my direction along with Kate's and her groupies'.

"Kate I'm going to get some air." I say grabbing my belongings and pay for my drinks.

Her abrupt shock only allows her to nod.

While walking out of the club doors, I glance back to where I was sitting and spot José still caressing the distinctive red mark on his face. Guys like that make me want to hurl, but that didn't sound too pleasant in my current tipsy state.

The cool night air graces my skin, causing me to shiver. I knew I should have brought a coat. Goose bumps form on the surface of my skin. I wrap my hands around my arms to obtain warmth. I've only been outside for half a minute and I swear the temperature dropped twenty degrees. Vancouver weather is so bipolar.

The night club's music echoes past the club's entrance, so I walk around the corner to get some much desired silence. I pull out my phone to check the time. The bright screen causes my eyes to squint. I make out_ 12:15 a.m. _How long have we been out? I don't even remember when we left the apartment or when I even got to the night club. My head is throbbing intensely and my stomach growls. I want to kick myself for eating cheese and crackers. My stomach is most certainly filled with alcohol, and only alcohol.

I begin to call the local taxi service; that I saved to my phone for emergencies like these. I don't want to be here anymore. The comfort of bed and my silk sheets raveled between my legs is all I want. And a lot of Advil. I'll let Kate know I'm leaving when the taxi gets here. Maybe by then she won't have her head up some guy's ass.

My finger hovers over the call button, but it doesn't reach its destination as I'm pushed violently into the club's wall, expelling the air from my lungs. Before I can utter a scream, a large hand cups over my mouth to keep me quiet. Cologne invades my nose, and it smells oddly familiar.

José.

I try to budge my way out of his clutches, but my efforts make no progress. I immediately wish I hadn't struggled, because José adds more pressure to my body. My body is being squished, compacted literally between a rock and a hard place. José being the hard place and the concert wall being the rock.

I've must have broken every mirror, walked under a million ladders, and crossed all the black cats that have walked on this earth. I am a walking bad luck magnet.

"Isn't this better?" José finally speaks. "All alone. Just like we wanted."

I muffle a cry through his clasped hand, and make one last try to shove this jerk away. Just as before, he hardly moves. Tears wells up in my eyes, as I start to lose hope and come to the conclusion of how this is going to end up.

"Please, let me go." I beg. My voice is distraught, frail. I cast my eyes down. All hope vanished in a matter of seconds.

"I think you should listen to her." A firm hostile voice breaks my state of dismay.

My head jolts up and my eyes meet the last person I ever thought I would see again.

Professor Grey.

José takes a step away from me and exchanges glances from him and I. Wheels are spinning in his thick head of his. I'm almost certain he is weighing out his options. If there are any other than to run for the hills.

However, he chooses the option of marking his territory like a dog needing to prove he is alpha male. "And why should I listen to what you have to say? Besides we were only having a little fun. If you were smart, like I'm sure you are I suggest you mind your own business and leave."

José faces me once more, ignoring Professor Grey. His hand trails to my thigh and begins to escalate to the apex between my legs, raising my dress slowly. Before my dress reveals the entire lower half of my body, Professor Grey grabs José's shoulder and pushes him off me. "I don't think you heard me. Let me make this clear. If you lay one finger or even look at her the wrong way again-" He is radiating with fury. _He looks so hot when he's mad._

"What? You'll kill me?" José laughed hysterically.

"No, but I'll make you wish you were." His fists are clenched tightly and painfully at his sides, on to the last bit of restraint that he has.

"Is that a threat?"

"No it's a promise."

Professor Grey's face is stern, his body flexed like he's on the prowl, ready to kill. José is calm, unaffected by his threatening words, even grinning like this is a game. He retreats cautiously, not wanting to rile up Professor Grey anymore than he currently is. "Whatever man, you can have her. She's all yours." José swiftly brushes off the front of his shirt to recollect the rest of his poise and dignity. In no way am I surprised when he walks passed Professor Grey and slightly bumps into his shoulder for a "last laugh".

Knowing the worst of it is now over, my composure resurfaces. I smooth down my risen and wrinkled dress to avoid another embarrassing state of affairs with Professor Grey.

Professor Grey shrugs off his jacket and places it on his forearm. He strides to me and opens up his jacket for me to put on. "You look freezing."

I am. My whole body feels like an iceberg. Both my arms slip into the soft fabric of his jacket. It's so warm that I start to defrost.

I can't help but beam at his chivalrous gesture. "Thank you, for everything."

"No problem. I see assholes like that all the time."

His eyes bore into mine and I'm trapped by his beauty. He clears his throat and shuffles his feet against the pavement. I notice he's not wearing the same outfit he wore this morning. He is in dark blue jeans that just hit his hips and a fitted black tee. I don't worry about if he is cold, because how can someone so damn hot be cold?

This can't be the same guy I made a fool of myself in front of. I am starting to wonder if he is even old enough to be a professor. He looks like he just graduated.

The silence causes me to become uncomfortable. I take this new found opportunity to see if Kate is correct about Professor Grey being a chatter box.

"If you don't mind me asking, why are you even out this late? Aren't professors supposed not go out, stay at home, grade papers, and watch old classic black and white TV shows?"

"Last time I checked it's not the 1950s. And I can stay out however late I want. I haven't had a curfew for the past nine years." A smug grin invades his handsome face.

_He told you. _

_Oh, shut up! _

_Looks like the man has quite a mouth on him. _

I take note that my vixen shouldn't been the one locked up, but my dirty minded conscience.

'I haven't had a curfew for the past nine years.' Curfew? Nine years? That means he must be twenty-seven. Twenty-eight max.

"Well I was just about to leave, but can I buy you a drink? You know, to repay you."

He shakes his head. "Thanks, but no thanks. I can't. I already had a few too many from dinner. And by the looks of it, you drank one too many for a night as well." He chuckles. God that's adorable. "Plus I have papers to grade and your friend's ten page research project."

"Oh right, of course. School comes first. Right?" I mental want to slap myself. Could I sound more like a nerd?

"Thanks for the jacket," I mumble as a take off the warming article of clothing. As I slip out of the last armhole, I extend the jacket to him. "Here you go."

"No you keep it. For tonight I mean." His hands dive into his back pockets. "You can have your friend Kate give it to me tomorrow."

I'm speechless. He is way more bi polar than the weather. In a matter of hours he can turn into a one worded, stand offish professor to a well mannered prince charming. Oh how the tables turned.

"I better get going."

I give a slight smile before he walks away.

Professor Grey turns on his heels and starts to walk down the street. A sense of loneliness captivates me. I oddly enjoyed his presence. Just when I thought he was gone, I hear his charismatic voice.

"8 o'clock. Coffee. At the Vancouver Coffee House and Bakery. 6th street and Parkway. I think that will suffice as a fair repayment." He declares before disappearing into the dark.

Did he just say what I thought he just said?


	5. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Sleep Deprivation.

I can't sleep. My alarm clock lights up the time. 3:35_ a.m. _Two hours I've been awake. Staring at the ceiling, virtually burning a hole through it. Thoughts of a few hours ago course rapidly in my mind. I just want the thoughts to disappear; clear away any trace of the recent events. Predominantly, because the thoughts of _him _overwhelm me. Along with the way he gapes at me. It's curious but also compassionate. Yes, he saved me. But I can't shake this feeling that something's off about him.

I shut my heavy eyes, and hope for sleep.

_4:09 a.m._

My room is dark. A sign or light is nonexistent, but the countless thoughts still roam my mind. I'm restless and in dire need of sleep. My eyelids shut as I breathe in heavily. I reside on the cliché method on curing insomnia; counting sheep. The shallow intakes of breath cause my heart rate decrease. I drift into the point of unconsciousness to sleep. My thoughts finally put on hiatus.

_5:28 a.m._

I sharply rise up from my bed startled. My right hand grasps my chest for air as my heart pounds fiercely against my chest. Rapid eye movement, trembling hands, and the inevitable thoughts of him occur simultaneously.

I want to pull my hair out. Scream. Do something. My toleration level is diminishing into nothing. If this continues I won't make it through the day.

By _6 a.m._ I've had enough. I'm not getting any more sleep. Trying would be a waste of time and energy I don't have. Bulbs of sweat cover my body head-to-toe. My body is on fire and I need to smother the heat. An ice cold shower. Finally a thought that was beneficial.

The icy water brings my body back to the equilibrium temperature of 98.6°F. I wash up and sanitize my body and mind. Massaging my scalp with a fruit scented shampoo, I evaluate the pros and cons of the current situation I'm in.

PROS

Who am I kidding? There are no pros. Scratch that.

PROS

That leaves me with cons. Let the infinite list begin.

CONS

**1.) **I'm going out to get coffee with Professor Grey.

**2.) **Professor Grey knows my secret.

**3.) **Professor Grey is extremely gorgeous.

**4.) **I'm attracted to him. (I think)

**5.) **And most of all, I'm a student and he is an educator.

The list could go on and on, but con number five stops me in my tracks. This is the ultimate forbidden rule. Teachers and students are prohibited to have any relationship other than educational. Honestly, I'm being ridiculous. Mr. Grey and I don't have a relationship. There's a smile here, a look there, I don't get a free pass. Professor Grey not being my professor doesn't omit me from the rule. It is hard having to do the right thing especially when originally it never felt wrong.

Nevertheless I can't keep lying to myself, I like him. There, I've disclosed the forbidden thought. These feelings just came out of nowhere. Hiding from them is only making my life miserable. I've never felt like this before. And it doesn't help he's attractive, very attractive.

In a romantic stance, I secrete myself from the outside world. Rejection is too painfully common. So I reject and reject and reject. My theory is that if I eliminate possible contenders I can prevent myself from wallowing away in a corner. Sinking in my own tears. A lifetime of insecurity was just another factor as to why I previously cut. I'm not a girl a guy would be proud to bring home to meet his mother. Not even the rest of the family. I've had promising guys come up to the plate, but they eventually lacked in the gentlemen's category.

Last night is a prime example of that. Oddly enough the one man who has to spark an interest in me has to be Professor Grey. A professor at my school, who knows the worst fact about me.

Get over yourself! He is out of your league! He's everything you're not. – My subconscious metaphorically nags me, arms crossed, face every shade of red. Forget about him… He is just an obstacle in the road.

She's right. Well in some way I'm right too. My decision was made and there was no going back. It's essential I find a way to cancel our "get together". High school excuses don't qualify compared to college level excuses. Mr. Grey isn't a fool. He will call me out, if I don't formulate a believable escape plan. Then I know I'm screwed.

Mr. Grey's words of last night gather in my head. Key words like "8 o'clock." and "Vancouver Coffee House and Bakery." overshadow the rest. Coincidence or fate? I think life has doomed me. Marked me as "The most wretched girl on earth." Jinxed, hexed, cursed. Pick one. Or better yet pick them all. Every synonym of unlucky fits my persona. It's inevitable.

Vancouver Coffee House and Bakery. It's a local business funded by the university. Undergraduates are typically ones in a business degree operate the shop. I've worked there since summer began. My studies weren't the primary source of my attention anymore and I needed to be productive. A job seemed like the best option and it was; still is. The people are friendly and down to earth. It's local, so I see familiar faces daily. A few stragglers drop in from time to time. I don't mind because with new customers comes new stories. My job gives me the opportunity to learn more about my customers as a person. It's a blessing in disguise.

Opening up to them is easy. No effort involved. All I have to do is listen and absorb and sometimes I get to vent what's on my mind, but I never go into detail. I skim past the ugly details. Only letting them hear what I want them to. And see who I want them to see. I like it that way. People would shame me and look at me different if they knew the truth.

Now, I'm merely one hour away from my morning shift that I forgot I had and Mr. Grey's plans are still in motion. At this very moment I assume he is getting dressed to meet up with me at the cafe. I have to come up with a way to cancel without being deemed flaky. His impression of me by now isn't up to par and canceling this "meeting" would only add to my shameful notion.

With my skin polished to a flushed and tender pink, my hand rests on the shower handle to I shut off the running water. I hesitate knowing departing out of the shower means facing the quandary I can't seem to shake. But the sight of my fingers beginning to prune vanishes the reluctant idea of exiting the shower.

Wrapping my body with a towel, I stride to the oh-so familiar mirror I use to demean myself in every day. Gazing at myself, I spot an inner glow. Something's different. I'm happier. This eerie sensation is self-consuming; I don't want it to stop. What bothers me is its sudden influx. Before today I was happy, but what's changed?

The rational side of my brain directs my subordinate contemplation. When I do, my mental light bulb shines intensely bright as a miraculous initiative abruptly appears. I rush to my night stand drawer and pull out my laptop. As it fires up, my eyes gaze over to my alarm clock. My heart constricts with strain. Thirty minutes until eight. Thirty minutes until I'm supposed to meet Professor Grey.

In a sense, I'm thankful for having a job. A part of me wishes I didn't have to work, but the other half is frightened of the idea. The idea of sitting with someone who I can almost call a complete stranger is creepy. The only thing going through my mind would be: Why am I here? What does he want? And who is this guy?

As the laptop's home screen emerges, my fingers move faster than what my mind knows what I'm trying to find. WSVU's homepage loads on my screen. I scroll until the staff tab comes into sight. Minutes are ticking by and stress builds. Everything feels like I'm in slow motion, and I'm going a million miles an hour. But somehow I don't feel fast enough.

The staff is arranged in ascending order. The G's are about halfway of the page. Professor Grey's email information is bolded and has a hyperlink attached to it. I type a simple yet informative email letting him know I can't attend this morning's meeting.

* * *

**From: **Ana Steele

**Subject: **Late Notice Cancelation

**Date: **August 28, 2012 07:35

**To: **Professor Grey

Dear Professor Grey,

I am sorry to announce I will not be able to accommodate you this morning. Something came up with my family and I will not be in town today. Please accept my deepest apologies for the late notice.

Ana Steele  
Student of WSUV

* * *

A gust of breath exhales my body as I stare at my lame excuse. He won't buy this. 'I will not be in town today; 'Something came up with my family'. However, this is the best I've got with the time crunch. I push the "send" button and cross my fingers hoping that he receives it in time.

Work doesn't have a strict dress code. Comfortable and casual, exactly the way I like it. Going through my closet, I set on wearing a black long sleeved v-neck and a pair of blue jeans. Knowing I'm going to be on my feet for most of the morning, I pick out my favorite sneakers. The weather hasn't changed much. Chilling winds consume the August air. I pluck a grey hoodie off a hanger to conceal my body from the chilling winds. Becoming sick just as school started isn't the cleverest thing I could do. Stopping at the apartment door, I pull up my hair and tie it back into a ponytail. Luck is on my side today. My hair is barely damp to the touch.

I make a mental note to text Kate before my shift. I didn't hear her come in during the night or this morning. She has a tendency to stay the night at the homes of the random men she meets. A vibration comes from my back pocket. The number isn't familiar, but from the area.

"Hello?" I say with caution. There's a pause on the other end. I nearly hang up until I hear a recognizable feminine voice become manifest.

"Annnna!" Kate's voice is slightly slurred. It's clearly apparent alcohol is still in her system, I come with the conclusion she's in hangover mode. "Can you hear meeee?"

"Yes I can hear you." The tone of my voice drips with annoyance. "Where are you? Are you safe? Please tell me you're safe!"

"Yes mommm! Safe and sound. Grayson brought me to his house shortly after you left. I got tucked in if you know what I mean. He has a huge -"

"Okay! I get the picture." The mental image forming in my head of Kate doing sexual acts wasn't the best way to start my day.

"Geez! Grow up Steele. You need to get laid. This celibacy act is totally 18th century."

"I'm not celibate. Sorry if I don't want to open my legs to every guy I see. Don't think I am judging, but that's just not me." I confess amiably. Sometimes I wish I could just strangle Kate to get her to see straight. However, her business is her business and vise versa. What she does is all her doing. Her actions are hers to make, and if they turn up into mistakes then I'll be there for her. Like she is for me. "Are you going to class today? It sounds like you're not in the best condition for learning."

"You don't even know the half of it. Oww! God dammit!" Kate screams in pain.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, just a big ass couch in my away. Obviously it doesn't know how to be polite and when to move out of a girl's way." This is one hell of a hangover. Kate talking about furniture as if it's a living thing is by far not a standard morning after.

"Like I was saying before I clearly got interrupted. I only have my afternoon classes today. Thank God for that!" She hiccups. "On your way to work?"

"Actually I just got here." I declare as I spot the entrance to the coffee house. "I better go. Work calls. I'll call you after I get off and before my first class starts."

"Okay! Love ya. Talk to you soon."

The line turns dead. Pressing down the power button on my phone, I wait until the screen turns black to reside it back into my pocket. It's policy for employees to have all technological devices off during work hours.

As I saunter into my work, the scent of fresh, grounded coffee beans and brewed tea overlay the air. Two of my closest co-workers attend the front of the shop while I catch my manager yelling on the phone as he walks into his office.

"Good morning Ana. Mr. Mean-a-ger isn't in the best mood this morning." Ellis shouts over the whirling and piercing sounds created by a blender Samara switched on.

Ellis and Samara could be siblings; not because of their physical attributes, but the way they act around one another. Ellis is the type of guy who could be you're big bother. Protective, honest, outgoing, understanding, dependable, and not too bad on the eyes. He's worked here since his freshman year of college. Physically, Ellis well-built and with broad shoulders and chest. I've spotted a few tattoos on his back when I walked in on him changed in the employee workroom. One said '318 Forever Free'. Curiosity killed the cat, I know but in this case I would die to know. He has light, flaxen short-cropped blond hair and has eyes that are a brilliant shade of hazel.

Ellis is the lead vocalist and bass guitarist of a local band. They have actual potential to become known but they only do small shows and never really try to expand their fan base. I prefer it that way. Blonde bombshells throwing themselves at them just to be their "groupies" is the last thing they need. That's the polite way to put it; more like band whores. Ellis is reserved when it comes to his music. 'I only perform at practice and during shows' is his rule. But when I am lucky, I catch him humming his songs in the shop's pantry.

Samara, on the other hand tends to be sheltered, like me. She is petite, only five foot, which is six inches shorter than me. Her unconventional beauty shocked me at first glance. She has a small heart-shaped face which is balanced out with wide set, green eyes. Her facial features are delicate and refined. Overall, if you picture a fairy you get Samara. Very pale complexion is fair like of snow and strawberry-red locks that fall to her shoulders.

Samara and I have bonded since I started working here. When Kate was out on her extravagant vacation, Samara would invite me to her house. She is a child at heart; amusement parks became our second home. Company is always welcomed with me; it's a requisite. Support holds me together. Stabilizes me to function.

When the blender stops I walk over to Ellis, who has coffee grains on his cheeks. There's a hand towel on the counter that I grab and stoke the grime off of his cheeks. Ellis's eyes wander universally everywhere except me. To me I was committing an innocent act, but I guess to him my actions were uncomfortable. Before I could finish our mean-a-ger struts in. His face is tense. Wrinkle lines are indented on his forehead. _That must have been one heck of a phone call._

"Is everything ready for opening?" He slumps against the counter as he folds his arms over one another. "Slacking isn't acceptable here."

"Yes, Kalum. The floors are swept, counters are wiped down, and condiments are refilled." Samara croaks.

Kalum Gallagher, son of WSUV Academic Dean. The 411 on Kalum Gallagher? He is known for his sexcapades on campus. Once he sets eyes on a girl he wants, he stops at nothing to get them underneath him begging for more. Kalum is one of the most intimidating guys I've seen. None of his qualities appeals to me. He is pompous, ostentatious, and the biggest prick on campus; a waking billboard of douche bags around the world. It's easy to hate him. Only crude comes out of his full-lipped mouth. Unfortunately, with all the hate in the world directed towards him, his looks conquer my hatred.

"The baked goods are just about done as well." Samara adds.

"Excellent," He stands rolling his shoulders back to form a statured, physique. "Ana, may I have a word?" Kalum says more like a demand than an option. Have a word? You haven't spoken more than a sentence to me since I've began working here. And now you want to talk to me.

"Um yeah sure." I mutter. Thoughts race violently through my head. I begin to think the worst as we arrive to his office. He couldn't have asked me in here to fire me. I'm the best employee here.

I walk in and take a seat in a plush leather chair as Kalum shuts the door. I hear a _click. _Please tell me that wasn't the door. I resist from making movement Kalum would detect it instantly and perceive it as a sign of fear. Nothing slips past him. Nothing.

"Let me guess. You're thinking 'What does a handsome guy like me want with a girl like you?'" _Ass. _He pauses and leans back against his chair to rest his feet up on the wooden desk. A devilish smile emerges through his pearly white teeth. In all my days working alongside Kalum I haven't fully taken time to gaze at his beauty. He's tall, muscular, has radiant blue-gray eyes coal black hair, flawless tanned skin, and stunning dimples that exposed when he smiled. All in all, he is the dream guy every girl wants.

"It's quite simple you see. I need a favor; a date for the annual commencement reception for the new year. My parents are hosting it and my father is the Dean. He thinks I'm this huge failure and I want to prove him wrong. I thought bringing someone who is more than a pretty face would impress him. First girl that came to mind was you. You're smart, fascinating, relatable and funny." _Did he just compliment me? What are the odds?_ Kalum's smug expression falls and I think so did his dignity. Being the son of the Dean puts you on a pedestal that forces you to live up to his father's intangible standards. My sympathetic feelings are short lived when Kalum's true nature resurfaces. "Don't just sit there! Say something!" His palms slam hard on the desk with immense force.

Crazy much? He went from nice to jackass in less than a second. I knew he was uncouth. But bipolar?

I'm choking on my own words. What do I say? If I tell him yes then this could all be part of one of his "missions". Then all I could do is blame myself and no one else for the end result. And if I say no I could get fired. _Could he do that?_

"Oh I get it. You think this is just another one of my games. That you're a pawn waiting for me to make a move in another one of my games."

It's like he's reading my mind. "Don't think I don't remember a face like yours Ana_?_ "Let's take a trip down memory lane shall we?" Kalum lifts from his chair and walks over to my direction. I'm frozen. Paralyzed. Once he has reached the back of my chair, he brings himself to a standstill. Both of his hands grip the railing of my chair. Without moving my body, my eyes trail to one of his hands. His knuckles are a pale white.

"Freshman year. Frat party." As he said each sentence he inches closer to the side of my face, invading my personal space. "Don't think I didn't remember a pretty face like yours. Fresh meat is my specialty." Ugh. I want to gag. "You are quite the drinker. I remember you clutching a bottle of Vodka for dear life. Very feisty I have to say. Not very fond of sharing, are you?"

"Was quite the drinker." I say in a hushed tone, low enough so there is no way he could have registered it. Exempting last night I haven't consumed alcohol since freshman year. Truth be told, Kate thinks I still drink like my early college days. But on the flip side I tell the bartender to fill my shot glasses with water. Kate is too shit faced before my first shot to even discern. Long story short, I didn't feel like proving the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Kalum removes his hands off the chair's railing, still containing a haughty expression on his face. Keeping my job is the only thing holding me back from slapping him hard enough to rearrange his face.

When I think he is going back to his seat, he changes directions. He's now in front of me. Before he can make eye contact, my eyes travel down to my feet. Looking up from beneath my eyelashes, becomes a last resort and least obvious tactic I can make to see what Kalum is doing without increasing the uncomfortable aura currently instated. The tip of his pointer finger is resting on his bottom lip as he tilts his head back toward the ceiling.

"What was it about Vodka that had you spilling out all your in most thoughts and secrets?" Oh God. Please don't tell me- "To be honest, I took you as a beer girl?" I sense his chest a mere foot away from my face. With absolutely no warning his hand shoots out, hooking the same finger that formerly rested on his full luscious lips under my chin. Even with his forceful action, my eyes stay intact to their fallen position.

A low growl egresses from his body. He grips my chin in his hand and lifted it, compelling me to meet his eyes. I could tell in his eyes that he fully expected this action to put me in a state of loquacity. _Well he sure as hell has got another thing coming. He has got to do a lot more to get anything out of me._

"Mmmm, there you are. You know, it's rude not to look at someone when you are speaking to them. Now answer the question."

I swallow hard as my eyes locks with his, his eyes pinning me in place. "I have work to do. I don't have time to play games with you Kalum. Find another date for your stupid party. There's bound to be a million girls that would grovel at your feet to be your date. You don't need me." I proclaim, not expecting I would given in so easily to my virtue of silence.

Kalum doesn't speak another word, making it that much painless to walk out on his ass. I know he means well, but spending a night in a room full of faculty and board members doesn't sound too appealing.

The door handle was indeed locked, when I walk towards the door. I unlock the door knob and witness a full house of customers. The order line flows out of the building and even curves out onto the street. I'm astounded. We are never this busy, not even on the holidays. But who am I to judge. Knowing if I do, I'll jinx the place and myself. Double whammy.

"By the way, you're lucky I'm not going to file a harassment charge against your ass." Are the final words I say before slamming the door, and hopefully my last.

I don't take long to jump into the madness and attend the counter with Samara and Ellis. They have a routine in play. Ellis takes the orders while Samara churns out what each customer wants. Before I can disrupt their efficient technique to ask what I can do, Samara beats me to the punch. "We can hold down the fort here. If you could waitress that would be great!" And with that she is back in her zone.

I've only waitressed a few times. Manning the register is my forte. I scramble through drawers to find a notepad, but come to no avail. Seriously! A puff of air escapes my lips to blow a loose strand of hair out of my face. Got to work with what you got Steele - My subconscious figuratively nags me again, her eyebrow arching up even higher with each word said. She even has some sass, swaying her head from side to side, and looking at her well manicured nails.

Taking her advice, not like I had a choice, I travel pass the line of customers and head to the front of the coffee shop. There are only a few patrons sitting down, taking their time, enjoying their coffee and breakfast treats. Out of all of them, only one doesn't have anything on their mini table. I can't see their face due to the _Vancouver Times Newspaper _masking their upper body. Once I reach the table I hesitate making my appearance known. They look so intrigued and at peace. Being a bother is the last thing I want.

"Sorry for interrupting you, but would you like something to drink?" The mystery patron doesn't move the newspaper out their face.

"No, that's quite alright. I'm actually waiting on someone. I'll order something when they get here."

The mystery customer's voice reminds me of the same godly voice that's been playing in my head like a broken record. "Professor Grey?"

* * *

**Hope you guys enjoyed this one. I really enjoyed writing this chapter. It was fun to add more characters, lighten up the theme with some comedy, and describe how Ana is handling all of what's been going on. Again, thank you to my readers. It means a lot! Please leave a review to let me know your thoughts. I love feedback. **

**Until next time. xoxo**


	6. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Fuck Fuck Fuck! Professor Grey is sitting in front of me, eyes wide, full of shock. Why couldn't I have thought of sending the damn email earlier? I should have known thirty minutes would not be enough time for him to receive an email. A girl can only try.

"What are you doing here?" Word vomit. He wasn't supposed to be here, looking like _that_. Hypothetically, he was supposed to be here, but I without question didn't want him to be.

"Ironic isn't it? I could ask you the same question."

I just dug my own grave. I know an explanation is in order, but I can't seem to find one… well come up with one. Lyingto his face isn't an option; it would only make matters worse, even escalate the matter.

"I'm sorry. This isn't what it looks like."

"I can tell you what it doesn't look like. It doesn't look like something came up with your family and you won't be in town today." Professor Grey is obviously pissed and I can't blame him. Secrets don't make friends. It's the rule of thumb. He folds his newspaper in half and then again long ways.

"You read my email!" A say a little too loud. I scan the area for Kalum and any customers in need of refills or their orders taken before I sit down across from Professor Grey. "If you read my email then why show up? It implied I wouldn't be here."

"Empathy is one of the greatest weapons used against people. When used, it is a strong sign of a lie, in which I caught on by your email. Sure, there could have been a high possibility of you actually telling the truth. But letting me know of such events thirty minutes before our meeting sealed it for me." Professor Grey states as he tries with all his might to hold back his grin waiting to be released.

"And you know all this how?" My voice is full of infuriation. He is back to being the asshole I first met in his office.

"Ph. D in Psychology. I bet you're fully aware of my educational background."

Now why would he think that? I was in his office for a measly five minutes. Anyone who walked by his damn office would be "fully aware" of his educational background. God, men are such a pain!

"Well now that we've got that covered and you've caught me red handed, I should get back to work." I declare as I stand and push in the chair I was sitting in back into the table.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come off as a complete ass. Accept my apology?"

Accept your apology my ass! For such a young professor who should act as an adult, he has a behavior of a college student. "You're delusional if you think an apology will fix and make everything you said go _poof." _My hands make a hand gesture as if air was vanishing. Talking to a college educator like this probably isn't in my best interests, but from my latest interactions with assholes in the past twelve hours has just bottled up my temper to the point where I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Losing my job stops me from making verbal permanent damage. I turn around to walk away but before I could make a smidgen of movement, he quickly stands and grabs my wrist pulling up the sleeve of my shirt, revealing my scars.

His grip is tight, clearly proving he wants me to stay, and not in the romantic, loving way. "We _need_ to talk." Professor Grey's voice is low and urgent. His words are delivered in such a way I've never before heard.

I yank my wrist and start to walk away once more. _Talk. _I had nothing to say to this man. Was the whole purpose of him inviting me here was to _talk_? _Talk_ about my scars? Why? Who is he to think he has the right to listen to my story, my personal life?

Glancing back, he meets my eyes briefly before I avert them again. In the blink of an eye, he was standing in front of me. I step back startled, he advances toward me. Not wanting to stare into his eyes, I observe my surroundings. Oddly enough no one is concentrating on us. A few glances here and there but we aren't the center of the public eye. Everyone must be in a hurry this morning. All they care for is to get in and get out. No room for distractions.

Our movements remained sustained until I stumble back, letting out a small gasp as I jar my tailbone in the process. Reaching out, I wrap my hands around the table's edge for support. When I become steady, I gingerly get up_, and lock gazes with Professor Grey. _

_ Both my eyes dart back an__d forth as I hunt for hi__s intentions. His eyes_ begin darkening in a way that made my heart _reel_, nearly making me catch myself again. It was almost an exact replica of the one from last night. He had stopped right in _front of me_, his body _nearly touching mine._

_ My face is turning _flush; several strands of my hair had pulled free from my pony tail. I'm a mess, mentally and physically.

_ "What do you want from me? My voice_ breaks slightly in desperation as I _plead_.

"I just have to say something." He says quietly, never breaking eye contact.

"Do you have to say it at my work? Here? Now?" I inquire, my nerves getting the best of me.

"Yes," _Professor Grey _placates. "I just have to say it once."

"I don't have time for this. I have work to do." I try the tactic of _side_**-**_stepping_**, **_but_ he quickly maneuvers me and blocks my pathway of escape. "You're not going to quit, are you?"

"Just hear what I have to say."

I sigh, knowing I don't have a choice. Before I give in I see if my assistance is needed. The shop's early morning chaos is dying down so Elliot and Samara can't be too busy. And I haven't seen Kalum since I left his office. Professor Grey guides me over to the opposite side of his table. He chivalrously pulls out my chair for me and waits patiently as I take _my_ seat.

When he is content, he ambles over to his side. I wait frantically and sit back in my chair, keeping my hands in my lap as he reposition himself. _His_ elbows are _resting_ on the _table_ top, arms propped up, _hands clasped_ together.

_ "_You don't have to say anything to me. All you have to do is listen." The tightness in _his face is apparent. I can tell this isn't going to be easy for him to talk about. "Promise me that you won't leave until I'm done."_

_ He's serious, not a hint of it is fazing me. "Okay." It's not necessarily the truth but it isn't a complete lie. _

_ I swear I can hear his heart beating. His clasped hands are beginning to tremble. The nervousness he possesses emits to me. _Professor Grey simply stares at me with his mouth open. I feel my face grow hot as he gapes at me, his eyes wide and pleading. Patience is a virtue, but I can only handle so much. Impetuosity takes the best of me.

"Just say it already." I blurt out with no consideration.

As he took in my _facial expression_ he cursed under _his_ breath. I take into account that I might have done something wrong, but I don't know what it is.

"This isn't easy for me just come out and say." He runs his hand through his hair. "I'm trying to do this the right way. At the right time."

He seems as if he is contemplating his entire approach. Silence fills the air the air once more, but I don't say anything. I can sense he wants to say something, but I'm pretty sure I'm not ready to hear it. Over the time span of one to two minutes Professor Grey opens and closes his mouth several times, presses his face into both hands, even shaking his head a little. I swear I will go mad if he doesn't tell me something.

He sucks in a deep breath. A look of willpower strikes his facial features and I prepare myself for what's to come. Unfortunately, even with all the preparation in the world, even if you think you know what's going to happen, you're not. "I know about your scars Ana. And I know what caused them." His vital and audible words transpire. However, what I hear is a blow to my quintessence. I am being ambushed.

Trying not to cause a scene, I lean forward, my voice on the edge of breaking. "I have no idea what you are talking about." His outrageous comment evokes hysterical laughter out of me.

Yes I was in denial, but who wouldn't be? It hurt. Just thinking about it reinforced that hurt, let alone actually talking about it. I was trapped. He knew this is my ultimate weak point. Out of all the faults I seize, all the imperfections, limitations, and weakness I give a home to, my secret consummates each and every one. I'm still in a state of astonishment. These words that came out of his mouth – they're not real. I won't let them be.

Diverting my eyes anywhere but him, I rise out of my chair. I've had enough. Professor Grey makes an attempt to stop me by reaching out for me hand, but he fails. I stride over to his side of the table, and slowly bend down so I can make eye level with him. Before my body could create the desired level, he counter acts my downward movement by standing statuesque like.

Now towering over my frail form, I start to lose sight on why I advanced him in the first place. Professor Grey's smirk drags my attention to his vehement angelic face. I try desperately to flee out of the deer caught in headlights expression from my face. My brow is lifted when my conscience materializes from hibernation. Snap out of it! – My conscience fiercely disputes, breaking me out of his enthralling spell.

"The purpose of keeping my secret a secret is so I don't have to talk about it to people like you." I whisper, not wanting to elicit undesirable attention. He has gotten under my skin. The blood in my veins is boiling to the verge of overload. My face is surged with red pigments as my pointer finger inceptions on _poking_ Professor Grey in the chest repeatedly. _I hope he bruises easily and feels a fragment of pain he has caused me in this diminutive amount of time. _

"People like me?" He looks hurt. As if I've hit a nerve. _Good. _He speedily snatches my finger in his hand, gripping it tight. I pull, but he doesn't let go.

_"_Let go of me." I struggle to get out of his hold.

"No"

"Why not?" I stop fighting knowing I'm only infuriating him further.

"Because you promised." He lets go of my finger and takes a step back. His right hand finds his neck, massaging it out of disappointment.

Playing the self pity card. Smart, but I wouldn't have it. I'm not going to let him phase me. I shift my body so that my back is facing him. Contemplating if I should leave our conversation open-ended, I wait. When I don't hear his serene and velvety voice that has been haunting me, I begin to walk away slowly.

_"You promise you would listen… that you wouldn't leave." My heart breaks, sorrow resonates from his voice, but I continue walking. _

Walking a few steps further, I am surprised to find myself _suddenly_ halted by a _hand placed_ on my _shoulder. I _stand suddenly, hands at my sides, clenched into fists. My own voice is teasing me in the back of my mind, telling me to just walk away. I don't know what to do anymore. There is this cumbersome weight I feel from his hand keeping me in place. I am so confused, but I shouldn't be. This decision to walk away should be the easiest decision I've ever made.

I should refuse to look at him, refuse to _talk_ or even listen to what he had to say. I _want_ to push all these _things_ as far back in my mind as I can so I do not have to deal with them for a while. There is a reason Kate is the only one who knows my secret. Possibly Kalum too, but there is no factual proof he knows or doesn't know.

"I have no intention of exposing your condition to the Dean or anyone else." I nod vaguely, trying not to cry. The man behind of me is the epitome of altruistic, but I'm still not sure if I can talk to him. Let alone trust him.

I become conscious that Professor Grey reaches inside his coat pocket, pulling out something I can't see. "You shouldn't have to hide who you are, Ana…" He leans forward causing my _breath_ to hitch _in_ my throat as his hand slowly grazes down the side of my back. The heat from his slow _breaths_ caressed _my neck_, sending shivers _through my body._ "Some secrets are meant to be told, even if they may take some time to come to the surface. The beauty of allotting your secrets, is that it creates an outlet for everything you have built up inside yourself. Yes, it's going to be difficult adapting to change. But I want you to know that I'm here for you whenever you need me."

He grabs my hand, even with my restraint, and places something lightweight in the palm of my hand. Before I can look down at the mysterious object in my hand, he encloses my fingers around it just before letting go.

I gradually open up my hand and see a slightly crumpled contact card. _He gave me his card? I don't want this!_ I sharply turn around so I can face him and throw the miniature piece of paper at his face, but he's gone. Nowhere in sight.

I don't know whether or not to rip it into a million pieces or keep it. But why keep it when I just was about to give it right back to Professor Grey? I was at a standstill; something was stopping me. I just don't know what. Not coming up with a resolution and needed to get back to work, I place the card into my jean pocket.

* * *

My shift ends at noon, giving me enough time to stop by my apartment and change clothes. Kate might still be home, which gives me a quick opportunity to vent on the recent events of this morning. Before heading out, I wave to Samara who is still on her shift. Ellis left about an hour ago in a hurry. My guess was that he was just trying to get out of here, and I couldn't blame him. Working at the café is fun and all, but one person can only take some much coffee grind odor and dealing with Kalum's intolerableness.

Walking out the door I am hit with the sun's warm rays. It is odd that the weather is unseasonably bright and tepid. However, the sudden switch from cold, ominous skies and ruthless winds to sunshine and gentle breezes is a blessing not worth questioning. The walk home is refreshing. After this morning, I need to mind wipe the god awful memories I sadly had to experience.

Opening my apartment door, I witness an eye burning sight. Kate is naked, head-to-toe, on the couch, surrounded by varied types of alcoholic drinks.

"Where did you get all of this?" I question as I pick up a half empty bottle of patron. "Don't tell me you drank half of this all by yourself."

Her pointer finger finds her lips and makes a shushing noise, indicating to be quiet. Fully active, my conscious is rolling her eyes so intensely I think they're going to roll right out of her sockets. _Put her in her place. _My conscious isn't wrong, yet she is not any other case I would agree with her, but this is Kate. We have an agreement amongst one another – one may do what they please without the judgment of the other.

Investigating the other bottles around Kate, I am rendered speechless. This had to cost her a fortune. These bottles aren't from your local liquor stores. "Kate… how on earth did you buy these? They must have cost you an arm and a leg."

"Onlyyy the best for Katherine Kavanagh." She avoids a straight answer as she tries for a wink but fails miserably. I sigh. This is getting me nowhere. She won't listen to me sober. Why should I think she would listen to me completely drunk?

"You're going to be late for your classes." God, why does her infantile and imprudent conduct always put me in situations where I question to help or hinder her?

"But I'm too tired to gooooo." She's in full pout mode, slouching in the couch, sinking more and more into the leather cushions.

"Well at least do me a favor before I leave. Get dressed in some clothes. I need to go and get changed before my first class starts." I say, walking away to my bedroom. This is a new low for Kate. I mean it's expected, but during the day? Before her classes start? This isn't the Kate I know.

"Nooooo." She stands up urgently, with a slight wobble and extends her hand out to me. "Stay with me. We can drink all day. Do nothing, but be drunk!" Kate is now dancing on the couch, hopping up and down with all her glory exposed. The bottle of Tequila begins to slip from her grasp, nearly leaving her hand. I forcefully take it away, even with her restraint.

"Kate, I will not treat you like a child. You're going to make your own decisions without my consent and I will respect that. But you cannot fuck up this house that your parents so graciously paid for us!"

"I. Am . Nothing." She managed to say between each muffled cry after she stopped dancing. Kate's _eyes were bloodshot red_ and _tears_ stained her _face. _

_ "What are you talking about?" I'm wary on what I'm about to hear. Kate would call herself everything ____but __nothing. In my eyes, she is everything; everything I'm not. _

_ "I'm wasting my life away. When I got home, I had this huge epiphany – " I cut her off before she can continue her contemptible confession. . Her cry for help is just another way for Kate to be the center of attention. She would forget all about this once she gets some shut eye _

_ "Kate you're just drunk. Take some aspirin, drink lots of water_, and get some rest. You'll be fine."

She hiccups. "My parents are the reasooon I'm acting like thissss."

"They're what?"I ask wanting to be sure what I just heard is accurate.

"They don't care about me!" She croaks. Kate is hurt. Not physically, but _emotionally…_she_'s_ messed up. And now I know she is sincere about it. "My parents! My own parents! How could they do this to me?"

I don't know how to handle this. This is the most critical crisis I've ever faced with her. I'm not exactly the biggest confidant. Confiding has always been one-sided with Kate and I. As an introvert, it's tremendously arduous to discuss how I feel. I do not have the skills capable of assessing this predicament. Especially with her behavior piles onto this morning's irritations causing me to tumble over the edge. My only reaction is to retaliate; a sporadic and untamed behavior is provoked out of me.

I crack under pressure, "You know what Kate? For once in your pitiful life, can you try not to make everything about you?" My heart rate is racing. The words expelling out of my mouth seem like they are coming out of someone else's. It's like I'm not in control of my own body. "The main reason I came back here was to talk to you about what happened to me this morning, but clearly I can't because you're too fucked up to even know what's up and what's down. I'm just tired of dealing with your pathetic behavior. You're twenty-two years old Kate! An adult and it is about time you act like one. Grow the fuck up!" I'm on a rampage and I am afraid it's not going to stop. "Showing some leg and batting your eyes to get what you want might work here but you might want to reconsider that. Because in the real world it's not pretty it's brutal. True, hard work gets you far in life. Being a slut will only get you STDs and knocked up." I shouted without hesitation. Immediately after my verbal assault ends, my hand flies over my mouth to shut myself up. What have I done? I've just committed the unthinkable. I've just said things that I could never take back and even if Kate one day forgives me, she will never forget.

She is stunned and I would be too if I was in her position. "I'm sorry I didn't mean it. Really. Please forgive me!" I hastily made my way over her, to sit down. She sees me coming and got up just as quickly as I sat down.

"Oh yes you did. You meant every word." Kate choked up, scarcely holding it together. I don't know how, but she is. Truthfully, I'm not sure why I'm surprised. Kate is always the strong one, keeping it together so everyone else could fall apart. So she could pick them up when they crumble…when I crumble.

I'm speechless. Clearly that was Kate's motive. And honestly I am glad I have nothing to say. Every remark I previously declared were full of malice. If I died right now, at this waking moment, I would be ashamed. I would have to die knowing those were not only the last words I said ever, but the last words I said to my best friend.

Kate sprints to her room, and I jump when I hear the sound of her door slam shut. I omit my first reaction to run to her, because I know it will do no good. I stand up from the couch then I freeze. My feet start walking but I'm not sure where they are talking me. I'm now in my bathroom starting at my refection. _This doesn't make any sense._

The top of my fingertips trail their way to the underside of the vanity counter's opening. I am reaching for something… No!

_ Why am I here? What am I doing? I made a promise that I would change. Sure my progress rate wasn't what I wished for, but I'm improving. _

What am I saying? I'm _lost. _Like I always am. Why could I think there was a possibility of change for me? I'm broken, damaged, malfunctioned.I can't think; my mind's gone blank. My past is abruptly resurfacing, causing me to feel all sorts of forgotten emotions. And I don't know how to deal with that.

That's the reason I shut myself off from everyone else. To veil that I'm hurting on the inside so it doesn't parade on the outside. Though that is what bothers me the most. I'm too proud and too stubborn to admit it. Admit that I can't be perfect. I cannot be who I want to be. Isn't that what imagination is for? To envision how we want to be, because the reality of it truly being real is dubious. I was idiotic to think a dream so close to you could be easily acquired without fail.

As I grasp that facet, I must leave it alone and hope that I come around. And habitually, I do. But this time I'm not so confident. I'm holding back, it's my way of coping, a mechanism I use to survive. Survive the constant relentless urges. Unexpectedly, they are more intense than what I am accustomed to. They're flooding back too fast for me to contain them.

My hand finds the metal knob for the faucet and turn on cold water. The faucet creaks beneath my hand as water sprays from the metal spout.

I take my shaky fingers to brush though my hair as tears slide down my cheeks. My feet are pacing, chest constricting as my heart races unusually fast. I'm hyperventilating. Grabbing a hold of the counter's edge, I rock back and forth as if trying to keep a grip on life. I was doing so well. Yes, I had tendencies but I overcame them. I was strong or at least thought so. My actions as of now were showing otherwise.

Short, high pitched sounds eject out of my mouth. Fear _gripped_ my chest and I knew that I wanted this more than I thought. While looking at the razor, I hold my breath. It still shocks me that the one thing that hurts you looks like the one thing that helps you. I am scared to do this again...but I needed this.

I grabbed the razor blade from my secret compartment and put it to my wrist. Having the metal shard in my hands feels nostalgic. The feeling drives me to slide the blade across my left wrist and dig deep into my skin. I see the blood and watch as it leaks out of my wrist, turning the water a faded red.

I cry quietly, biting down on my lip to stile my moaning, not daring to let Kate hear me. At moments such as these, I don't care if I live or die. Dealing with frustrating situations isn't my forte. The only solution I can come up with is this. I don't want to feel the pain life brings me.

In order to do that, I cancel that pain out with my own pain. A pain that doesn't have to have a story behind it. A story that doesn't have to be told or discussed, but buried. The pain is a dull ache in the back of my head. A dull ache that won't go away no matter what I do.

I continue to go deeper, but I stop. Words that I almost disregarded reappear in my psyche.

_ …it's going to be difficult adapting to change. But I want you to know that I'm here for you whenever you need me._

My grip on the blade releases and it falls, making a _clink _sounds as it hits the inside surface of the sink. Spontaneously, my right hand clings onto my open wound shielding potential blood flow.

Professor Grey's firm voice _snaps me back to_ reality and puts things back _in_ perspective. He reminds me why I began my mission to change. _It is easy to create something but harder to fix it. _Change isn't a process that happens overnight. It's going to take some time.

Still clutching my wrist, I use my left hand to pull out the first aid kit from cabinet that I keep in there for situations like these. Once I release my hand from my wrist I take the alcohol began to clean the wound, which inescapably would end up forming as a scar. The pain from the stinging alcohol affects me minimally. Ripping off a piece of tape with my teeth and taping the bandage securely in place, alleviation washes over my face. Blood seethes though the gauze around my wrist. I hope I didn't cut too deep.

When I clean up the mess, I make the conclusion that there is no way I'm going to my classes today. I must obligate time for my wound to heal, and myself. I lock myself in my room for the rest of the day. Kate left around about two-thirty, hopefully clothed. The weather has changed once more. Gray skies, light thunderstorms and heavy rain. Sometimes I wonder if the weather mimics my emotions. It wouldn't be too broad of an assumption.

I lie on my bed, my back against the headboard and listen to the rain tapping on my window roughly. I've been staring at the nearly neglected card in my hands since I decided to change into more comfortable clothes and it fell out of my front pocket. My eyes haven't left it, scanning every each of it as if to find some hidden transcription… an answer. But what question was I asking?

Honestly, I had questions of need of answering rather than just one. _Would he be mad if I didn't come and see him? And if I did come would he want me to openly talk about my issues, my trepidations, my life? When it comes to him I don't think I'll ever know what he truly wants from me._

I force myself to get up. It was time for me to talk and actual be heard. Kate's proven she isn't capable of being a support system. Not for what problems I hold. I need to see him. I need to see Professor Grey.

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**I'm getting so much positive feedback from this story and all I can say is that I am ecstatic. I can't wait for ya'll to read what's next. I just finished chapter 9 and I am about to begin writing chapter 10. I'm excited to get more into the story and explore the many possibilities that are ahead. **

**Please REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! It would mean the world to me and strive me to continue writing. **


	7. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

By the time I reach Emerson Hall it's late. Seven-twenty to be exact. The sun is setting and so are my chances of Professor Grey being in his office. Entering the hall's entrance doors the lights are dimmed and not a soul is present. I'm afraid I am too late, that he has already left the building and all of this was for nothing.

Walking up the flight of stairs the second time around is less of a struggle. When I reach the fourth floor all the office lights are out but one. _His. _For once in my life I don't get the short end of the stick. Luck is on my side. I try not to charge toward his door, I don't want to come off too eager.

As I get closer to his office door, I not only hear his non-platonic voice, but a feminine one that goes into a cold flow of hissing words. "Just get it done. We don't have time waste." The urge of peering into Professor Grey's office, but I withhold.

"No need to worry. I'll get _it _done." Professor Grey strongly stresses on the word "it" causing me to question what exactly "it" is. I hear the sound of heels clicking against the wood floors amplify, and I know the unknown female is a few steps from the doorway. I rotate my body hastily so my back is facing the entrance. I pull out my phone to make me appear that I wasn't eavesdropping on their conversation. I sense the woman's presence as she makes her way out of Professor Grey's office but the clicking of her heels cease and I know she has spotted me. She taps her finger against my shoulder. _Busted. _

I turn to face the mysterious woman but somehow she looks strangely familiar. She is dressed in head-to-toe black with her platinum blonde hair pulled up in a bitch bun. The hairstyle suits her. Her attire surprisingly didn't appear as if she was attending a funeral. She looks beautiful and professional – black blouse, black mini skirt which was clearly rolled up as it showed a substantial amount of thigh, and black tights. She was leaning casually against the wall with one leg bent, her lips are pursed and she positions her hip so it is sticking out to the side.

Suddenly I am flooded with memories. How could I not remember her? I smiled a little, all the memories coming back to me. Back when I was a freshman here at WSUV, Kate forced me to go to an orientation for psychology. Although the course was for graduates only, we managed to sneak in. Over the years I've collect a few facts about Dr. Elena Lincoln. And most of them are not pretty.

Regardless of being in her late thirties, she is without a doubt one of the most accomplished endowed chairs of the Liberal Arts Department. She currently has one Ph. D and working on completing her second. Both degrees are from Harvard University, one in psychology just like Professor Grey, and the degree work in progress is in psychiatry.

She's published a novel based on her research and studies on the inmates at the United States Penitentiary of Seattle, she instructs at over fifteen seminars a year, and she has connections with high society doctors whether they were created from a business relationship or pleasurable relationship. Who knows.

She is the lively manifestation of every horny, heterosexual male's "sexy professor" wet dream. Her thick, luxuriant hair falls down her back in effortless platinum blonde waves and her hazel eyes are intimidating and full of lust. The form fitted shirts, short skirts, and skyscraper heels she wears accentuate her toned stature. Despite her intoxicating looks, every male and female that has met her say she's the biggest bitch they've ever met. Due to not having a class with Dr. Lincoln, I haven't weighed in on judgments such as those until I can execute the entirety of who she is and make them permanent.

Yet, from the stories I've heard I believe promiscuous should be her middle name. Every male student of hers gets a hard on when she purposely bends over to pick something up or flirts candidly with them. Her admiration as a professor is perplexing. Without the appraisal of her students, she unfairly grades and confines meetings to discuss their marks. She's offensive and patronizing to her colleagues and students, but the second the dean comes into the picture she's all kiss ass.

"May I help you?" Her stare on me is like she is looking at a bug waiting to be squashed.

I hate this woman already. "I came here to see Professor Grey. He should be expecting me." I take out his card and twirl it in between my fingers in a circular motion. There is something inside of me wanted to shove the card in her face. This woman provokes the worst in me.

"This late at night?" Her bitchy attitude is highly not necessary. "What did you say your name was?" She cocks her heads to the side, examining me.

"Oh I didn't." A take a stab at her. "I'm Ana. Ana Steele." Politely, I extend my hand awaiting for her to shake it but she just stands there looking at me, as if I carrying a lethal disease. So much for trying to be the better person. I drop my hand, trying to not display the amount of tribulation I just encountered. Dr. Lincoln is ruffling my feathers and my composure is beginning to slip. I have undeniably weighed in on my judgments of Dr. Lincoln thanks to her true colors have finally surfacing.

"Do you have a meeting?" She continues her acquisition. There is not a civilized bone in her body. She waits for my response but I'm distracted due to the arrival of Professor Grey. He stops me from verbally attacking her because all I can do is look him. He truly is beautiful.

My eyes roamed from_ his _slightly disheveled hair, to his cheeks, jaw, and lips, finally descending on the piercing stare of his gray eyes. Professor Grey clears his throat reminding me that I almost forgot to answer her question. "Miss Steele?" I take a deep breath and tare my gaze away from him as I concentrate on Dr. Lincoln.

"Yes I do." I retort, looking back at him as I speak. A spark of overjoyed shock flashes across his face. I don't think he thought I would come. Our meeting wasn't necessarily scheduled but Professor Grey giving me his card without telling me exactly when I can or can't come see him qualifies as an open invitation. Right?

"Well I'm all done here. He can see you now." Just when I thought I couldn't loathe her anymore than I already do, she just piles onto the flame. She turns her miraculous body to Professor Grey and what I witness brings bile up to my mouth. Her plump lips connect with his, she even wraps her arms around his neck to bring him closer. They stay like that for awhile. Time must have slowed because it felt like ages until she let him go out of her grasp. He looks taken aback like what she just did was improvised, not intended. Jealously erupts in my body. I know I have no right to declare Professor Grey as mine but if he had to be with anyone, Dr. Lincoln should absolutely be the last woman to claim the title of 'girlfriend'. Especially with their age gap.

"Call me later." She states before strutting down the hall. Professor Grey gawks after Dr. Lincoln's retreating form, forgetting that I am standing before him. I shift my weight from one foot to the other as I patiently wait for him to remember my existence.

My patience is about to run out when he turns his gaze back on me. _Finally! _His eyes are full of gaiety – he is happy I'm here maybe even relieved. Without a word he walks into his office, hands in pockets. My eyes are locked on Professor Grey's ass the entire time. Every time I am near him my libido skyrockets.

I'm confused on if his actions instate for me to follow him but I doubt he wouldn't want me to. Walking into his office for the twice time is eccentric. Everything is as I remember. Citric scents mix with his masculine cologne, contemporary décor, and vibrant art hanging on the walls. Just yesterday I was here for Kate's needs, but now I'm here because of mine.

So much has happened in the last forty-eight hours. My secret was kept intact and so was my relationship with Kate. Both are now scathed by my seldom behavior. I'm usually not that carless when it comes to my secret being hidden. And verbally assaulting Kate is just not me. Yes, I wanted change but this type of change I'm metamorphosing into isn't what I wanted. I'm not myself.

I haven't figured out how to approach this. Somewhere deep inside of me wants him to work for it. After all he does seem like the type of guy who loves a challenge. I'm just afraid of his reaction. Afraid of the probable pity that could reside in his eyes once he realizes how fucked up I am. Randomly blurting out "Oh hey! I'm fucked up and in dire need of help. I probably just forever ruined my relationship with my best friend – you know her. Kate? Tall, blue eyed bombshell. Can't miss her. Anyways our fight resulted in me cracking under pressure and relapsing to my nasty habit. Usually in those circumstances I would go to her but she definitely hates my guts right now, which is why I am here now, blabbing this all to you." doesn't seem like the best line of attack.

I stand awkwardly next to his desk as he takes his seat. "Please have a seat, Miss Steele," he says, gesturing to the chair in front of his desk. Taking my seat, I feel a wave of interest sweep over me. Professor Grey is giving me this questioning look and I don't like it. He turns chair to face his computer screen disregard my existence. I'm becoming irritable. Clearly he wants me to make the first move. And I know I should but I don't know how to start. So instead of diving head first, I begin with an apology.

"Sorry for coming so late and interrupting your meeting." My head falls downward to my lap where my hands are tangled together in embarrassment. "I should have emailed you or something."

He pushes away from his computer, squares his shoulders, and faces me. "Emails." He laughs. "You would think they would be more reliable." Somehow I think that has a double meaning – me not committing to our engagement this morning.

If I was embarrassed before, I'm beyond embarrassment now. More like mortified. No matter what I say he always comes up with a clever response. He isn't making this easy on me. And I don't understand why. Didn't he say "I'm here for you whenever you need me."? Professor Grey is one complex man, maybe even more complex than I am.

His stare never leaves me causing me to shift in my chair. I looked away from the intensity from his stare; feeling a bit uncomfortable. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable." he smiles, as he notices my discomfort and tries to soften the tension. He really is observant. A quality of his that isn't one of my favorites I might add.

"You're sure as hell doing a damn good job of that." My hand flies over my mouth. Did I just say that? I don't know what's going on with me. Before I met Professor Grey I had a filter. It was bulletproof. Not a word of what I was thinking slipped out of my mouth. I reserved all judgments. In other words, I was mute.

His eyebrow raises and a hint of a smirk is emerging. I want to hit my head against the wall so hard I'll go into a coma and forget this ever happened. "How about this?" He extends his hand to me waiting for me to shake it. "I think a restart is in order." A full smile braces his face and I'm melting. This god can get any woman to beg at his feet.

I accept his gesture and take hold of his hand. His grip is firm just like it should be. I feel the same electric spark I did yesterday. As a reaction, my grip tightens and I know he noticed it. "I'm Professor Grey. Nice to meet you." His introduction makes me giggle. This is so childish but we did need a fresh start, a new beginning. Just like I do and I'm hoping to get that with his help.

He nods telling me to go and finish our "fresh start". "Anastasia Steele, but I go by Ana. It's a pleasure to meet you too." As we pull away the spark disappears. A part of me feels empty. The spark is one of the many feelings that I actually love without it leading to me having bloody wrists. I want to feel his touch again, hold his hand and feel that tinkering sensation flow down my arm. I want to talk to him, listen, hear his voice; I want all of him.

The power he seems to have over me terrifies me but at the same time intrigues me. There is something about him that draws me in. Maybe this was a mistake. Or maybe I have finally found some validity in my life.

"So Miss Steele what might I help you with?" He snaps me out of my thoughts, and I look at him. I know we agreed on a fresh start but I didn't think he was going to play dumb.

I sigh deeply. "No amount of time will be enough for me to prepare a good way of saying what I have to say." He straightens his back waiting for me to continue like he's been waiting for me to say this ages ago. Can I continue? I mean I've already jumped the gun by coming here, so why not? If I don't continue he will think this all a waste of time; that I am a waste of time. And if I take anymore of his time that I've already taken up the guilt inside me will combust.

His sultry voice breaks my self-loathing pity party and I turn to him with wide eyes. "I'm here." He reaches for my hand and squeezes it tight. Reassuring me that there will be no worries, no judgment just an open mind.

"I'm not sure what went wrong." I reply, holding back tears to come off strong. He doesn't let go of his grip on my hand. I even faintly feel a slight brush of his thumb running across my knuckles. This is all too much. I want to feel his touch and because watching his face contorted in yearning is something so rare to see. But the attachment and closeness he was giving me was too overwhelming.

I jerk my hand away as if his hand was beginning to scold me. My introverted qualities forces a wedge between my capabilities to discuss how I feel. Right now I'm trying to overcome that and although I know Professor Grey's gestures are kind hearted, they aren't making the situation any easier.

"All we have is time Anastasia." My name rolls off his tongue makes my body heat up. But I can't help but feel tentative. I was one hundred percent committed on confiding to him. And now that I'm here, all the courage I had just built up in coming here has vanished. I feel like a failure. What am I doing?

"Can I tell you something?" I nod, giving him approval to carry on. "I honestly didn't expect you to say anything tonight."

" If this is some way of reverse psychology–"

"No no. I promise it isn't. On average it takes days, weeks, some even years for one in your condition to open up to a stranger let alone someone who is close to them."

He pauses, letting his words soak in. "I don't mean to be impudent Miss Steele, however it's really late. I promise if it's okay with you we can pick up where we left off tomorrow. My office hours are from 3:15 to 5:15pm. Sound good?"

He pushes back his seat and rises from his chair. I also stand up as I take this as his way of saying goodbye and for me to leave. "Great." My voice comes off intentionally sarcastic; I hope he didn't notice. I know I imposed on him, but I feel somewhat betrayed. It would be smart for me to not take it to heart, he is a busy man, and I can't be his number one priority. Plus he's right. It is late and I am exhausted from yelling and crying my eyes out. I need to recollect myself. Give myself time to think.

He walks me to his door, and waits until I am outside of his room. His hand is hanging on the door's frame as he slightly leans up alongside it. "Sorry about earlier." He pauses. Thank god he is apologizing for kissing that whore. "I came at it all wrong. I should have been more discreet." Discreet? How about never kissing her. Let alone being in a relationship. I could have avoided a life time of nightmares if I didn't she her plant her mouth on his. Practically sucking his face. "This morning…" Wait what? We obviously aren't talking about the same thing here. His eyes cast down evading my intense stare. "I just want you to know I'm sorry." Our eyes meet again. God I'll never get tired of seeing those breath taking eyes. His confession releases an uncontrollable laughter out of me. "What's so funny?"

"Oh nothing. Really. I just thought you were apologizing for the make out session I had to endure with you and Dr. Lincoln." Professor Grey begins to open his mouth but I keep on talking. I'm crossing a line here. But my feelings toward her are painless to express compared to my other emotions.

"You don't have to explain your personal life with me. Besides you're the doctor. I'm the one who is suppose to lay my life out on the table, not you. She seems like a great woman." I'm lying through my teeth. I did want to know about Professor Grey. About his life, his family, his aspirations. It is only fair.

"Goodnight Miss Steele. See you tomorrow?" He asks completely ignoring my last statement. His face is expressionless but I can tell he is thinking hard about something.

"Uh yeah." I respond awkwardly. "Night. See you tomorrow."

He nods before he turns to walk back into his office. Something isn't right. There is something going on with him and I can't put my finger on it. I can't imagine why he would want to do this for me. Why would he take time out of day just for me? My condition and my past is a hard pill to swallow.

I make it down the stairs and begin to push the entrance doors to head home, when I bump into Dean Gallagher. _Shit._ "I'm so sorry Dean Gallagher. I wasn't looking where I was going." Dean Gallaher is an older looking version of Kalum, aside from his lean build and a hint of grey streaks in his hair. For a dean he is quite young, only forty- nine. I'm not ashamed to say he is attractive; he is just not exactly my type.

"It's mighty alright Miss – " He holds onto the 's' waiting for me to state my full name.

"Steele. Ana Steele."

"Steele? Why does that name sound so familiar?" Oh God, what now? "Are you the Ana that works with my son? Kalum?" I would lie, but this is the Academic Dean.

"Umm… yes. Yes I am." I stutter. "If you don't mind me asking…" I pause not knowing if what I am about to say if out of line. But I am curious. I haven't had any encounters with the dean other than tonight, so there is no explanation as to how he knows who I am. "How do you know who I am?"

"Oh well I just came back from having dinner with my son. I mentioned the upcoming annual commencement reception. One thing led to another and he said he had a date. Shocked in disbelief, I asked who she was and he said Ana Steele. He said nothing but good things and complements. You must be one heck of a young woman. My son doesn't speak so highly of just anyone."

World War III has just erupted. If I were a cartoon, smoke would be coming out of my ears_. _Kalum Gallagher is dead to me. I contain a civil façade to not expose the extreme revulsion I am feeling right now. "I must go know but I will see you this Saturday Miss Steele. Goodnight."

"Night Sir." I want to ring Kalum's neck, chop his body into a million pieces and burn them straight to hell. Did he not think I would find out? He must have because how else would I know to attend function. I speed walk to my work so I can give him a piece of my mind.

I make it to the café at around 8:10, past closing time. The lights in the back are still on, but the front is vacant. The chairs are stacked against the walls, the table tops are clean, and the floors look like they have just been swept. I try the front doors, but they are locked. I'm now resenting not bringing my key to the coffee shop. But how was I supposed to know my asshole boss would go behind my back. I resort on killing Kalum tomorrow, when I come up with the conclusion there is no way of me getting inside without breaking and entering.

I discontinue walking toward home when I hear a thrashing sound of metal close by. With each step I take toward the clatter it grows louder. My destination is the alley way next to the café. I spot the devil himself taking out the trash. How ironic? He should throw himself in the dumpster while he's at it.

I strut toward him furiously, my hand is raised above my head waiting for it to hit across his smug face. "You mother–"

My eyes are wide open, as realization hits that his mouth descended on mine. It takes two seconds for me to push him away. "What on earth are you doing?"

"Well hello to you too." He coos, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me in closer.

"What game are you playing Kalum?" We are face to face, my eyes searching his for an answer. His eyes were on my lips, paying no attention to my questions.

"Why, you want to play with me?" I shove him away, although infatuating charm almost affected me.

"God! Don't you get it?" I grab my head, my patience and control slipping. "I will not play this game with you. Not now. Not ever. Get that through that thick head of yours. I. Am. Not. Going. To. The. Commencement. Reception. With. You." My voice rising with every word I say. "Nothing in this world would make me go with you. _Nothing._" Surely that should express how reluctant I am. I hurry out of the alley but halt due to profound words.

"Not even if I expose your secret. The one that involves deep, red cuts on your wrists." Kalum is now behind me, his breath on my neck. He trails his hands upward starting from my wrists. "Or are they on your forearms?" I am paralyzed with disbelief. I can't breathe. "Your biceps?" His hands keep tracing to each body part he states. "Stomach? Or perhaps lower. Maybe your –"

"Stop it!" My voice cracks. Not an ounce of strength in it. I'm trembling, tears welding in my eyes. "Please just stop." Sobbing is inevitable. All I want to do is crumble, fall to my knees, and feel the immeasurable ache and woe distorting in me. But I can't be weak, not in front of him. I pull myself together, wipe away my fallen tears, and hold my head up high.

"So you're blackmailing me?" My voice is faintly audible, but I'm making an effort to appear strong.

"I wouldn't call it that." Kalum steps back, giving me space. He knows he hit a nerve.

"Then what would you call it?" I sass. He can't be serious. After what he just did, I would think he would have developed heart.

"Motivation."

"Motivation?"

"Yes. Something to… let's say drive you." Kalum is soulless; there is no light in his eyes. Everything he does is for his advantage, no one else's. "It's beneficial to you and beneficial to me. Its win-win!" I don't mind on asking him how it's a "win-win" because it was, partially. He got the approval of his father while in exchange I get my secret kept concealed. Yes, I know I should be thankful for the deal he is offering but I'm not. I am not use to being greedy, but I know even after all of this, the deal, ends Kalum will still possess knowledge about my secret. And who knows what else he will do to. Kalum is not one who should be underestimated. But my hands are tied.

"You have a deal."

"What? Really?" His face looks like a little boy's face lighting up on Christmas morning. For once he appears pure, innocent. Until he utters words that reinstate his loutish characteristics. "Well that was easy." I roll my eyes; there is the Kalum I know and loathe.

"What's the catch?"

"No catch." I laugh. If Kalum thinks he can fool me into this blindsided then he is sadly mistaken.

"Come on, Kalum. There is always a catch with you."

"I promise there is no catch. Just show up." Just show up, huh? I still don't trust him but I don't have the power in the situation anymore. "And of course be by my side every waking moment." He grins his usual panty-dropper smile although as always I am utterly unimpressed. Kalum struts toward me

Kalum struts toward me but I swat him away, to create dearly needed distance. "Ugh, you're gross." The idea of being attached to the hip with Kalum sends shivers down my spine.

"Not the best compliment I've gotten, but it will work."

"Are we done here?"

"Yup." He finishes hefting his last trash bag and gives me a goodbye wave. "I'll pick you up at seven?"

The recent turn of events have left me feeling rather disturbed and troubled. The ball isn't in my court anymore. The fate of my life is no longer in my control, but Kalum's. My soul has been sold to the devil. Flames engulfing my life and there isn't a fire extinguisher in sight.

On my travel home I gaze at the midnight colored sky. It's clouded, just like my mind. Fogged up, no room for thoughts. Stars are out, shining their brightest, littering the dark sky and magically illuminating. I may be someone full of darkness, but even I can enjoy the beauty of light. _Light. _Before I saw nothing but the obscurity life obtains. But now… now the harsh satanically qualms I burden are overtaken by radiance. I eluded it before, guarding it. But not anymore. I won't permit it. Not this time.

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**AN:** I have decided to try to update every Tuesday. I will try to keep that consistent. I really loved writing this chapter because of the introduction of Elena. She is going to bring a lot of drama into the mix and creating conflict. I try to make each chapter thrilling and not filler chapters because I myself hate those. But thanks for reading and please let me know what you think even if it's a little comment.

Again thank you all. **PLEASE** **REVIEW!**


	8. Chapter 6

**AN:** Sorry for updating late. Been busy with back the school things and lost track of time. I forgot it was Tuesday yesterday! But anyways here is the chapter. Thanks for reading. xoxo **REVIEW PLEASE!**

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**Chapter 6**

My morning was uneventful. When my eyes caught a glint of the light from the sun's morning rays, my mind registered for my body to wake up to a new day. However I didn't have enough motivation, enough strive to push myself to walk out of my room, open my door and greet a new day. So for approximately three minutes, I rolled out of my bed, strolled into my bathroom, and just stared at myself. I'm not fully sure as to why I committed this act but a part of me thinks that I needed to be sure I was still myself. That I was still Ana because I don't think I can fully trust that I won't reenact what I did yesterday.

My life was up in the air. Everything seemed like it was up to chance, probability, and luck. It isn't fair. Your life should be in your control. Dominate your domain. Every step, every decision you make should be yours and when you make them you shouldn't have to worry about the next move or the consequences. Because at that moment in time all you should be worrying about is how that decision you just did made you feel.

I'm beginning to feel depression again. It's not severe but I do feel it. It is creeping up on me. Like a slow virus consuming its host. I don't want to be consumed and I am trying. I am trying to hold myself together, but I can't do it alone. Depression doesn't leave you; it is always there hidden in a corner waiting for the right moment to appear again. I may think that I am getting better and that I am happy but it's going to hit me. It is going to hit me hard like a freight train.

I resort to going back to sleep because that's all I could take. I don't have enough energy to do anything else but just sleep. Sometimes I wake up during the day, and it's terrifying because I don't want to move. Moving causes a loss in energy – energy I know I don't have and I need as much as I can get to get through my meeting with Professor Grey.

Time ticks away and I am now outside of Professor Grey's door. I skipped all my classes, laid in my bed all day until it was close to 3:15. I've been standing in front of his closed door for five minutes. My hand resting on his door handle waiting to be turned. And so I do it. I finally push his door open and step into his office. He is seated behind his desk, pen in hand as he writes in a medium sized black book. He sets his pen down, closes the book, sets it aside, and looks up at me.

"Miss Steele. Right on time." His face has a hint of delight, he's happy I came back. My though creates a smile on my face. I take a seat in the same chair I sat in last night. I would be lying if I didn't think I was having a déjà vu moment. However this time I am determined to say what's on my mind.

"I know this might be odd of me to ask of you, but I would like to get to know you little better by asking some questions before we head into the heavy stuff. I just feel like if we rush into it I won't fully get a sense of who you are." He pauses. "Of course it's your choice. Don't feel obligated to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing."

I'm not sure as to what to say, because honestly I just wanted to get straight to the point. Lay out all my problems so he could fix them. But I don't say anything due to the fact that I owe him. Everything he is doing for me is out of generosity. He is doing this without getting anything in return. This is all for my own benefit.

"No no. Ask away." There is a silence that evokes the room and just when I think he isn't going to speak he does.

"How long have you known Miss Kavanagh?"

Oh thank god, an easy question for starters. However with all that's happened recently with Kate, she is the last person I want to talk about.

"Since high school. She's a good friend." I wish she could hear that for herself and how sorry I am for yesterday.

"I see." Professor Grey retorts, in a non-committal manner. What is he thinking?

"Do you have any personal interests, hobbies?"

"Um not really. I used to take photographs. I still do –" My voice trails off for a moment. "But not so much anymore. I mostly do it for school assignments and projects."

"So you have a class in photography?"

"Photojournalism. It's my major."

"You're major?"

"Yes."

"I see the interest but what motivated you to choose it?"

I didn't have an answer to respond. No one has ever truly taken time to ask me why I wanted to have a career in photojournalism. No one has ever cared. Not even Kate.

"You want the truth?" He nods. "In the past, I saw the world though a lens of darkness and vice. I used to believe light is just a figment and darkness ultimately outweighs it. Photography opens another lens for me. A looking glass that dissolves the evil and darkness so I can see the beauty life holds." I answer candidly. "I am no longer blinded. I see the truth, not the lies."

I notice him taken in my response and he continues on with his inquisition. I'm not surprise he didn't respond to my statement only because if someone told me something so deep and insightful as I did, I wouldn't be able to find the words to say that would be adequate enough.

"Are you an only child?"

Whoa. He keeps changing direction; never staying on one topic.

"Yes."

"Tell me about your parents." That was a little demanding. It came out more forceful than gentle. Why does he want to know this anyways?

"I'm not sure I feel completely comfortable talking about my parents."

Professor Grey turns his head to the side, hiding his eyes from my view. From the quick glance of his face I did catch I noticed a hint of disappointment surface his facial expression. That's the last thing I want. I don't want to be a disappointment to him.

"My father is in a rehabilitation center upstate." His head whips back stunned, his gray eyes are now gazing at mine. "I haven't seen him since I graduated from high school."

"And your mother?" A lump in my throat forms and I start to feel tears weld in my eyes.

"My mom died when I was fourteen." I surprisingly struggle to say.

"I'm sorry." he mutters and a fleeting bothered look crosses his face.

"I'm not." He looks confused. "Things happen for a reason, right?"Professor Grey's forehead wrinkles. I think I lost him. "It's _mistakes_that make us who we are." I clarify. "In life, we see all our short comings as mistakes and often times we regret on it, wishing that we could turn back time and undo it. Yes, I can say that it is unfair but she died. That's it. She's gone." I might have come off heartless but I can't dwell on every little thing that could potentially put a hold on my life.

"That's a unique way to looked at it." He grins, acknowledging that he understands where I am coming from.

"What was she like?"

"She loved the outdoors. Couldn't get enough of it." I reminisce of the days when I would wake up, look outside my bedroom window and see her in the garden planting flowers. "She would stay out there until the last spec of light disappeared." Professor Grey is clearly fascinated and it urges me to continue. "I do miss her. She was suppose to see me graduate, grow up, get married, have kids. But I guess some things don't go as planned." I smile fondly. Professor Grey is studying me closely, taking occasional sips of his coffee I didn't know he had. I really shouldn't stare at his mouth. It's distracting. Those lips are sinful.

"What is your father like?" What a simple yet complex question. Where to begin?

"He's…" I attempt to find the right word." Reserved."

"That's it?" Professor Grey asks staggered.

"I never really cared much for him to learn more about him."

"Reserved like his daughter?" It's like he is trying to get under my skin. Like he is teasing me.

I refrain from jumping across the table and slapping him across his face. "I am nothing like my father!" I clench my jaw, feeling anger surge inside of me.

"Really? How so?" Professor Grey asks coyly. He definitely is trying to get under my skin.

"He is a low life. When my mom pasted he lost the will to care. It's as is the gravity to keep his feet on the ground vanish. His axis shifted and he lost himself." I sigh. "And so to fill that empty bottomless pit he contained, he drank without a care in the world. Didn't even care for me." I chuckle. This really is none of his business, but it felt good to finally saw what truly was on my mind.

"Did he ever remarry?" I snort, almost falling out of my chair. He frowns. When I catch my breath I go on. "He wishes."

"What do you mean?" I thought about answering but I stop. I fold my arms over one another and give him a cynical look. "What?" I don't give in; I just continue to stare at him until he gets my point. Two can play at this game. I wait and I wait until I see an imagery light bulb light up above his head.

"You're not giving much away, are you?" he says dryly, as I shrug. That's not exactly the response I was expecting out of him. However that wasn't the point at all. What does this man expect? My life story? Was I suppose to spill all of my past to him like it was nothing? I gave him more information than I should have. I'm putting all my trust into a man I've only known for three days.

"Neither are you." My voice translates with sass. That's new. "I try to shut everyone out. I mean don't take it personally. It's just easier that way. What's your excuse?"

"Excuse me?"

"It's only fair you share a little bit of your life as well. Kind of like I'll show you mine if you show me yours?" Before he gets the wrong impression I go on. "Without the sexual innuendo of course. Tell instead of show." I flush scarlet, but applaud myself for being candor. I don't want to feel like a patient to him. If this was going to work I need him to be my equal.

"Tell me about your parents." I ask innocently. I hear his sharp intake of breath. It's obvious he wants to fight me on this, to say this meeting is more for me than him and that he should be asking all the questions. But I was never fond of playing by the rules and I'm not making any exceptions for him even if he is sex on a stick.

"My father's a lawyer, my mother is an obstetrician. They live in Bellevue. Not too far from here." He shrugs acting like his life is dull when in fact from just my common sense I can formulate that he was brought up in an affluent upbringing due to what his parent's occupations.

"You're life must have been so hard." My purposely make sure my voice is full of sarcasm, as I pout my lips to express my fake deepest condolences.

"You don't even know the half of it." He's serious now and I take it into account.

"Care to share?"

"Not really." It is odd to me why he wouldn't want to gloat. Any parent would be ecstatic if they knew how successful their son is at such a young age of twenty-five. It's not easy to become a college professor at his age especially in a degree of psychology. I wonder what drove him to do that. His parents must be proud.

"Any siblings?" I press.

"Yes. One"

"What's their name?" I say utterly intrigued.

"Can we not?" He spits out like raging fire. His body is shaking all over along with his hands that are trembling as he runs his fingers through his hair. "My relationship with my family is complicated..." His jaw clenches. "I would like to not discuss this subject anymore."

"I'm sorry." I see the struggle of self-control slipping from his grasps. All I want to do is comfort him. Take him in my arms and tell him it's okay and that I am here for him whenever he needs me, just like he said he will for me.

I observe the lump in ProfessorGrey's throat bob as his voice fades. A crease forms in the middle of his forehead, a definite indication of the cranks and levers of the rotating wheels in his head as he decides the right words to say next. I get the notion that he is careful with his words, just as I am. We don't rush to speak, we hand pick and decipher. If my assumption is accurate, I respect him all the more for his frugality. Words shouldn't be tossed around, especially ones that articulate of a complicated relationship with one's family.

I began to reinitialize the primary reason why I am here when I hear the subdued beeping of my phone in my back pocket. Professor Grey abruptly turns his gaze toward my direction stares stridently at me. "Is that your phone?"

I blush underneath his gaze, humiliated that I forgot to turn it on silence before I entered his room. "Yes… sorry." I stammer, fidgeting to pull out my phone to switch it to silent mode. My gaze is still on Professor Grey's until the last beep ceases. I catch a glimpse of my lit screen.

_ One missed call from Kate._

What does she want?

I hastily place the phone back into my pocket to mentally ignore its presence. Professor Grey raises an eyebrow at me. "You're not going to call them back?"

"It was just Kate." When I become conscious that my answer isn't enough of a justification for him, I elaborate on it. "We're in a fight. It's probably nothing."

"I see." He leans back in his chair as he regards me. "This isn't exactly what you had in mind when you came in here, did you?

"Not exactly. No." I immediately answer. "But I'm sure you didn't either."

"That's entirely my fault and I apologize."

"Don't be. I contributed just as much as you did. Whether it was wanted or not."

An understanding smile graces both of our faces. "If it's alright with you I'm ready to lay it all out on the table." His eyes are wide and I think I caught him off guard. "Professor Grey?"

"I'm sorry, it's just that I'm surprise. You're beguiling Miss Steele. I just don't want you to feel rushed. That's all." He reaches for my hand that I didn't know was resting on his desk. When his hand drapes over mine I feel the same electric spark I did yesterday and the day before and my heart flutters. Instead of pulling away I embrace it.

"I know. But I'm ready." His grip tightens on mine and all I sense is relief and reassurance.

"Whenever you're ready."

I only take seconds to begin my venting but it feels like I waited for hours. The few first words come out unsettling but eventually I come to terms that I'm in a safe place. Anything I say won't leave this room and all judgments are reserved.

"I catch myself spending hours in my room watching the walls cave in and my room darkening around me. As this happens I ponder on what the hell happened to me that I can't comprehend who I am anymore." I'm doing well – forming fluent sentences, controlling my emotional until the dam breaks. I then stand up from my chair violently, breaking his hold on me. "That should be the easiest thing in the world to know. You shouldn't have to take a minute and figure it out. It should come easy to me, right? Only it isn't. It is the hardest thing for me to figure out. And I hate it. I thought I could handle this but I can't. I need help." _I need you._ I didn't know I was going to be so emotional in all of this. My hands are running through my hair while I pace back and forth through Professor Grey's office. A tear slowly falls down my cheek. I start to feel more emerge and usually I hold them back with Kate, but I don't in front of him. "I am so sick of the way depression is addicting. The more I feel it the more I want it. It is the most familiar thing I know. I'm comfortable with it; it's natural. However everything else I feel – the self- hatred, the hopelessness, the grief afterwards. It makes my body ache, and my mind becomes clouded. It poisons everything in me, everything I do, and the relationships I have with people. But no matter how those things make me realize the faults of what sadness causes me to feel I go back to it. I go back to it because there is a sense I get. It tells me that's where I belong."

I'm still standing, catching my breath from my rampant monologue. I can tell he is speechless. That part is obvious. I mean who wouldn't be? It's a lot to take in, that expected. I begin to tell him that it's okay if he doesn't know what to say but he beats me to it.

"I know you feel like you are breaking down. I can't tell you I know how it feels, because I don't. I know that right now you feel like there is too much to escape from and nowhere to escape to but I know you will get there. That's all what life is about." He directs me to sit back into my seat and I oblige. When I'm seating securely his continues. "All you can do is try and leap and if you fail, it won't be on you because you tried. You gave it you're all. And that's what you're doing. You're trying your best. I may not seem like your best now, and maybe it isn't. But at least you're trying Ana. You're making an effort."

His words speak volumes. Kate has never responded so deeply but I guess at the same time I've never shared my emotions so severely.

Professor Grey circles around his desk, walks over toward my direction and kneels in front of me. I gulp as my stare remains impassive. He leans forward only an inch but I feel closer to him than ever before. The air is becoming charged and my heart rate beings to accelerate.

His hand shoots out to my tear stained face and I winced a little in uncertainty but the back of his fingers meet my face with the lightest touch, brushing against the newly fallen tear on my splotchy cheek.

His gentle motion catches me off guard. Professor Grey is usually so aggressive. I've only seen him kindhearted twice. It is a look on him I would like to see more often.

I search in his eyes and I spot something. Shame and causes me to sob practically bawling, crumbling in front of him. I don't want this from him. I don't want to appear weak. However, I will not deny that I have a problem because I do. I realize that now.

The weight of my eyelids become heavy and my cheeks are inflamed by the absorption of heat from his fingers. Just like his stare, his touch was compelling, and tender. I ached for more; my first impulse is to take his hand in mine and interlace our fingers. And feel the putter of his heartbeat with my free hand as he rests his head in the crook of my neck. Oh how I wanted that fantasy to be a reality.

My lips part as I prolong my daydream. The dream is breached when I hear his breath hitch. A look flashes across his features and I'm not sure how to translate it. He shakes his head as if he's having a mental fall out with himself. Unfortunately before I can make sense of it, the look disappears just as fast as it arrived.

"Have you ever thought of writing how you feel? To let it all out on paper. Something for your eyes and your eyes-only. Lay out all your thoughts, memories, goals. A prize possession that you can keep close to you."

"No." It was the truth. I thought talking about my feelings with a living, breathing person was the only way.

"It can become your closest and faithful confidant that reserves all judgments. It's human nature to judge. I'm not going to lie. I have made judgments of you and there is not a bone in my body that doesn't regret it. Yet I know you've done the same and I have no resentment against you."

"Why does it seem like you have personal experience with all of this." I rudely interrupt him.

"You keep a journal?"

"Yeah, if I don't write it down, I forget it. Memories are too important."

He lets go of my hand and I feel cold, hallow. Professor Grey walks back to his desk and retrieves the black book I witnessed him writing in earlier. He is holding it firmly with both hands gripping the sides while containing his proper stature and continuing his influential speech.

"The human mind is an efficient machine due to its ability to condense vast amounts of sensory information into simple concepts that can be understood and acted upon. The brain is designed to perceive, interpret, and categorize all that it sees, which makes it quick and simple. Our brain is a very complex human element that defines how we see the world. This all may be complex to hear. But this is simple." He taps one of his pointer fingers on his journal and I'm smitten. He has me hooked.

The remainder of my meeting with Professor Grey is natural and productive. He suggests useful actions I can take to prevent myself from having another episode. He even grants me with an empty journal of my own. For once in my life I think I can finally put forth all my trust in someone.

Professor Grey gazes down at the embellished watch that hugs his wrist and scowls. "Shit, I have to go." Even curse words sound like a harmonic melody.

"What time is it?" My mind finally registers what he just said.

"A quarter till five." I'm not sure what the problem is because his office hours end in fifteen minutes. He notices the confused expression cross my face and he clarifies.

"I didn't realize how late we were going to be—" _Ouch. That was a stab to my heart – a long, sharp, jagged knife digging into my core. _

"I'm sorry I've wasted you're time, my apologizes." I cut him off as gracefully get out of my chair.

"The time was well spent. Not a minute was wasted. I want you to know that." That knife is now vanished from my heart, like it was never there. "We got a lot accomplished today." I'm swooning on cloud nine. Hoe can such innocent words sound so full of lust. He walks me to his door and opens it for me. "Does this time work for you next week? You'll probably be busy with your studies and all. I was thinking once a week would suffice."

I shake my head. "It's perfect." I begin to walk away but his silky voice molds me into the ground.

"This was my fault. A huge miscommunication on my part. It won't happen again. I promise you. I liked ending my day with you and I would like that to become a frequent thing. If it's alright with you, of course."

"Yes."

"Yes as in yes you will or yes as I was my fault?" The last part was obviously a joke. Or at least I hope it is.

"Yes as in I will." I think he is becoming giddy. Just when I thought he couldn't be any more charming he surprises me. And with that, I salute a smile before I walk quickly down the stairs of Emerson hall.

As I reach the last step and want to soar right back up to the top because I've become aware that I will be spending my Wednesday evenings with Professor Grey.


	9. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

It's very quiet. My heavy curtains mute the sky's light. I am comfortable and warm, draped by lush sheets. Hmm… it's like silk on my skin. I curl up in a ball, and for a moment, I am tranquil and serene, taking pleasure in the…

Buzz…buzz…buzz

You've got to be kidding me!"

The very annoying buzzing sound of my alarm clock going off wakes me up. With my eyes still closed and no desire of getting up, I reach my arm out to my night stand, desperately trying to find my alarm clock. Finally my fingers find the clock and I slam my hand around crashing it against the ungodly device.

The irritating sound stops but is substituted by another. I vigorously throw my pillow towards the direction of the buzzing but the noise gets louder with every second. Without opening my eyes, I recklessly wave my hand around, looking for the unknown source of disturbance. I hear things clatter to the floor and a moan escapes me.

I crawl out of my Egyptian cotton comforter that Kate gave me for my high school graduation present and travel toward the floor in a ineptly fashion. An unbearable light causes my half asleep, half awake eyes to squint.

Fluttering my eyes open, the bright little screen of my phone catches my eyes. A notification of 'New Message' from an unknown number resides on the screen. Curiosity seethes through me; I reach toward the device and tap the read button.

_ Today is the day! Be ready at 7.00 pm. I will have an escort drive you to the party. I bet you'll look ravishing. As always. – K.G._

How on earth did Kalum get my number? Well in all honesty I shouldn't be surprised. Kalum tends to find a way to always get what he wants. I pick up my phone and rest it back on my nightstand. Rolling back into my bed I clutch my sheets and place them over my head as I release a sigh.

An escort? A part of me was glad Kalum wasn't going to pick me up. It would just mean less time to be around him and less time for me to want to kill myself. Yet, at the same time I didn't want the escort. Not because that would mean Kalum would pick me up but because it is highly unnecessary for an escort to come and get me. I mean it is only a small gathering.

I nuzzle my face into my pillow and curl up into my sheets. But in a matter of seconds I fly off my bed sheet and grab my face in frustration. I am now fully awake and there is no way I can possibly go back to sleep.

"Can I just get one good night of sleep? Just one night. That's all I'm asking for." I beg mercifully.

It's ironic really. Just a few days ago I was in a state of hibernation and now I am pleading for a minute of some shut eye. Over the past three days I haven't slept all that well. Even experimenting with different types of sleeping medication hasn't had an effect on me. I've thought about visiting Professor Grey to confide in him to see if there are any problems but I can't motivate myself to visit him on an unscheduled meeting day. I know he said I could come talk to him whenever but I didn't want to bother him with such an insignificant matter.

When the realization of me getting any sleep is deemed impossible, I rise out of bed and head to the bathroom. As I hit the stone cooled tile flooring, I muse over the last three days. To say the rest of my week sucked would be lying. I hardly ate, I'm behind in school work, and I've been evading everyone I know. Kate still hasn't spoken a word to me, the last time I heard from her was when she called me on Wednesday. When I got home that afternoon her bedroom was vacant, some of her clothes were gone, and so were two Louis Vuitton suit cases.

I was curious to know where she went but at the same time I need to not always have Kate number one on my priority list. Maybe her being absent in my life will give me time to reflect on things. I've been avoiding Kalum as much as I could around work, but now that it is Saturday there won't be much steering clear of him. I've been dreading tonight since I was blackmail into attending it. I have to play the "perfect girl" persona that Kalum has probably personified to his parents.

I turn on my sink faucet, and cup my hands together to fill my hands with ice water. As I splash it on my face I feel the cold water dripping down my skin. Felt refreshing but it wasn't enough. What I needed, the feeling of ice cold, frigid, numbing water pouring over every inch of my body as if a thousand needles were piercing my skin. I surely will be wide awake after that.

Not wanting to wait another second, I jump right in allowing the cold water to pour down on me. The fuming ice water shoots out the shower angrily, attacking my pale skin. But the stinging feels good. The tips of my fingers lightly swipe the cascading water from my eyes. I lean back against the shower walls as I let beads of water run over my hair and down my body.

The sound of the water hitting the tiles under me starts to echo in my head like hypnosis. I stare at the droplets bouncing off the tiles with a clear mind. The view was so eccentric and effortless yet so serene. I close my eyes, and let my ears soak in the hum of falling droplets of water. The same sound the rain makes when it hits the glass of a window.

I raise my arms and stare at my cuts as the cold water stream collides onto my skin. My eyes once more as I trace my most recent cut on my wrist. I can concur that the cut is healing due to my risen skin forming a faint scar. I didn't realize till now that my scars are going to be a problem tonight. If anyone saw them…

I shake the thought away knowing that stressing over the matter wouldn't make things any easier. I'll just do what I normally do. Cover them with makeup and act like they aren't there. If I don't recognize their existence then no one else will.

When I finish washing up, I turn off the water, and grab a towel to dry off my body and hair. I slip on my robe and head downstairs in to the kitchen. I open up the cupboard and pull out a tea kettle. When it is full of water I place on the stove to heat. I lean against the kitchen counter, as I stare at the kettle almost in a trance as the blue flames licked at the silver pot.

A sigh escapes me; it is deep, and broken of frustration. My stomach constricts with the inevitable butterflies that followed each thought I have of how tonight might go.

I jump when I hear a soft knock at the front door. My eyes shoot up to the clock on the kitchen wall, 4:27 pm. I didn't realize how long I slept in. This was extremely odd. I wasn't expecting anyone for another two and a half hours and unless I sleepwalked and ordered something online then I am utterly dumbfounded as to who could be on the other side of the door.

Before the mysterious person gets antsy and decides to continue knocking, I strut toward the door and rest my hand on the door knob. Somewhere inside me is anticipating the other person on the other side of the door to be Professor Grey.

As difficult it is to admit, I missed him a little. I've even walked all the way to Emerson Hall Thursday to see him, but when I reached the fourth floor I froze up. I was so anxious to see him that I hadn't come up with a reason for my visit. I really needed to get a grip however I just can't stop thinking about him. There is this connection with him that I've never felt with anyone before. And it's something I want to persist to explore.

What is it about him? Yes, he is sexy, intelligent, and those gray eyes… I see something in them I have never seen before. They impel me to get to know the real him. My theory is when I do get a sense of who he truly is then I will have a better understanding of these feelings that are consuming me.

Then there is Kalum. I've been avoiding him all this week, but I can't seem to shake him. He is intense to be around, yet I strangely have an urge to be by his side. An uninvited pleasurable shiver courses through me when I remise of last night. The feeling of his lips on mine. His kiss was dangerous and zealous. There was something irresistible about it. Then, I realized it was immoral. Disgust surges through my body when my conscience reminds me what type of person Kalum is. He is self-righteous, pretentious, and a narcissistic prick.

With a turn of the handle I greet a delivery man standing on my front porch with a rectangular box decoratively wrapped with a bow in the underside of his arm. I couldn't help but feel puzzled because I don't remember ordering anything. And besides, who on earth would take the time to get me something? I take into account that the box could be for Kate, but that is extremely unlikely. The possibility of the package being Kate's is rare due to the fact that if she did order anything it's usually foreign and priceless. Furthermore it has to be delivered by a personnel her parents had hired just to deliver it.

"Good morning, miss. I have a delivery for an Ana Steele." The delivery man says bluntly.

"That's me." I retort.

The man nods and hands over a clipboard with a paper on it for me to sign. As finish writing my signature I switch off the clipboard in exchange for the mysterious box.

"Thank you." I say as he heads back to his vehicle.

"Have a nice day." He responds back as he drives off down the street.

I close the door and hurriedly saunter into the kitchen. When I reach the kitchen counter, I rest the package down. I can't help but gaze at the eloquent designed wrapping paper that covers the package. With my hands I grasp both edges of the box and shake it as if I was a prying kid on Christmas morning wanting to know the contents of the box. Not being able to contain my self-control any longer, I gently pull one of the ends of the bow and shred the wrapping paper. Curiously nearly kills me as I notice cursive lettering centered on the front of the box.

I tear the rest of the paper leisurely until I glimpse all of the cursive writing. When all the paper is removed the words 'Reem Acra' is centered on the lid of the rectangular box. I nearly faint when I recall the time Kate spoke of 'Reem Acra' while talking about her trip to New York during Fashion Week. She was listing her favorite designers and the best/worst looks she saw. Opening the box's lid, I notice a folded card lying on thin layers of swishing paper. I take a hold the folded card and open it to bare a note.

_ A little something for tonight. – K.G. _

Kalum? What in God's name did he do now? Furiously, I rummage through the multiple layers of swishing paper and I gasp when my eyes took in the most exceptional shade of nude colored fabric. I pull out the material for it to be revealed as a dress. From the multiple television shows Kate has forced me to watch I can make out that this floor length dress is a tulle gown constructed out of voluminous feather light material and designed with mesh cut out edges. The dress must have cost Kalum a fortune, a fortune he definitely has.

"Seriously?" I scoff. "This is not a little something."

Seeing this remarkable dress reminds me that I hadn't had a dress for tonight. How could I blank out on the prime facet of tonight? Yet, I couldn't wear this. It would only give Kalum pleasure and an extreme ego boost if I did. But if I didn't then I wouldn't have anything adequate enough for the event.

Last minute shopping was not an option due to the lack of time on my side. Plus accessing Kate's closet of fashion utopia was without a doubt a do not enter zone. With her gone I wouldn't feel right going through her closet even though it is borrowing. When I finish placing the gown back into its box there is a loud knock on the door again. It was a much more impatient knock then before. I wondered if the delivery guy forgot to bring or tell me something about the package he brought.

"Did you forget som –" My breath hitches as I see a silhouette stand before me. He turns his body simultaneously as the sound of my heavy breathing intensifies. Cold shivers course though my body and all I can think about was slamming shut my door as fast as I could. This man was definitely the last person I expected to show up on my porch.

"Dad?"

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**Please Read AN:** I know mean of you may consider this a filler chapter but I like to think of it as an informal chapter. Also I know it is shorter than all the rest but I felt like where I ended it was perfect for how I wanted the next chapter to be. I hope you all enjoyed the cliffhanger and were shocked to find out the man behind the door was her father. All your answers will hopefully be filled on the next chapter.

I've just finished chapter 10 and I am way behind schedule but I just wanted to let you guys know that it will be in Christian's point of view. You'll get to see how he really feels since he has met Ana.

Thank you for all the support through reviews, story alerts and adding this story to your favorites. Each and everyone of you strive me to continue writing. All your reviews are very positive and I hope to see more of them. Thank you all!

**REVIEW!**


	10. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

My eyes widen with horror as I felt all the color in my face drain from my face. He spots my reaction and in response takes a step closer. I shove the door forward before he could get further inside but his strength overrides mine as he grips the door's edge and breeches into the foyer. The hair on my neck stands up in fear and for a second I considered to run, but what good would that do?

My father reaches for me. "Don't fucking touch me!' I scream pushing his hands away.

"Ana…"

"Don't." I hold up my free hand taking a step back as tears begin to fall down my face.

"Ely, baby, please let me explain." He steps towards me.

"Explain?" I am furious, all I see is red. "No matter how much you explain it will never be enough. Besides, I wouldn't believe a word you say. Telling lies is all you know, oh and drinking. Can't forget about that can we?" I continue digging at him. It feels good to let it all out, but for all the years he has tormented me, no amount of time or words can make up for the past.

"You know what? How about you explain how the hell you found me." I glare at him.

"Actually forget it, it doesn't matter how you found me. You need to leave now." I growl as I try to force him out the door.

"But I needed to see you. I miss you." This can't be happening right now. Fuck! I need to get him out of here. But I'm frozen in place trying to control my rage. Every second I'm near him I can feel my breath leaving my lungs. I'm being suffocated.

"Well I don't want to see you." He stumbles back like I just slapped him across the face. Why is he so shocked? This shouldn't be a surprise to him.

"But I'm your dad… I need you."

"Well there was once a time when I needed you." I sigh, tears threatening to fall down my face. "You can't stay here." God! How many times do I need to tell him? Am I even speaking English?

"I have obligations that I have to get ready for but when I come back I expect you to be gone." I snap. I saunter away, leaving the door open, not caring to shut it. I make my way toward the kitchen when I hear the kettle simmer making a whistling sound. Before the shrilling noise becomes unbearable I take the kettle off the stove. I peak my head out and still see my father standing in the doorway. How pathetic!

Ignoring my father's existence, I pour myself a cup of tea, grab my dress off the table and head upstairs to get presentable for tonight. I reach the railing of the stairs and I'm only a few feet away from my father. The sight of him makes my blood boil. Containing my bottled up words and emotions is just impossible. There is just too much pain that time cannot erase.

"You can do me a huge favor and not waste my time if see yourself out now. Either way by the time I come back down I better not see your face." Yes my words were heartless and callous but he deserved it. I didn't deserve the abandonment, and the neglect. Now it's his turn. Karma truly is a bitch.

I gaze back hoping he is gone but instead I find him in the same place he was seconds ago. He looks defeated, like he has been traveling across the world finding something sacred only to end up at a dead end. I brush away a fallen tear I didn't know had fallen with the sleeve of my robe. Just because he is blood, it doesn't make him my family. That's something that is earned.

* * *

It takes me a while to figure out how I want to do my hair and makeup. Kate usually helps me in these situations, however with her absence I'm stuck on my amateur craftsmanship. An hour later I am standing in front of my bathroom mirror looking at a different person. Never have I ever thought putting on a dress can make you look like someone other than yourself – a more elegant, sophisticated, beautiful version. The dress fits like a glove; almost like Kalum knew my dress size. Yet I don't want to dwell on that notion, it would be too disturbing.

In honor of Kate, I based my makeup on how she would do it. She would always comment on how envious she was of the raw beauty I possess. The way my skin holds a natural glow and small accents like mascara and blush only enhances my natural beauty. From past circumstances with Kate as my hair stylist and makeup artist I've picked up on a few techniques and tips. She constantly reminds me that I was forbidden from ever wearing heavy makeup and that natural suited me best. Most of all, Kate was always fond of my hair. She said it was my secret weapon and that I should cherish it. Her hair 101 was simple –hair up during day and hair down if you are having a night out. Following her adage that never faulters, I style my mahogany hair in a not too 'done' manner to not overshadow the beautifully powerful dress. Lastly, I brush my hair that is in effortlessly loose, soft, and romantic waves off to one side leaving my locks with a radiant glow.

Exhausted from my successful transformation, I plop my body on my bed, unsure about tonight. I can't help but feel excited, yet nervous because tonight is going to be up in the air. I have no control of what will occur or foretelling the unknown. All I can do right now is speculate.

I can already feel the immense pressure I am going to have to face tonight which isn't the finest remedy for my current state of mind. I am still recovering from my relapse and tendencies are bound to happen when I am around Kalum. Nevertheless, I don't have a choice in the matter. Tonight is set and stone. There is no way I can back out now. Not if I want my whole world to unravel into the pits of hell.

Before I head off downstairs I decide to add some essential final touches. Not to mention the necessity of covering up my scars. In a matter of seconds my blue eyes are rimmed with luminous eye shadow with brown eyeliner extended outward to make my normally round eyes look elongated and sultry. Appling a small amount of dusty pink lip stick to my lips complete the ultimate transformation, I smile at my reflection.

"Let's get this show on the road." I pronounce to my reflection slyly. Before walking out of my room, I grab my only pair of heels I own near my bedside that thankfully match my dress.

As I head out, I notice the time on the clock on my night stand, 6:53 p.m. Seven minutes until I was needed downstairs to drive off to the function. I make sure I packed all my belonging in my match clutch purse and head downstairs. When I reach the last step I gaze around the place search for any sign of life other than mine. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding when I don't see or hear anyone. _He left. That was way too easy. _

"Dad?" I call out only to wait and get no response.

Releasing a sigh of relief I make my way to the front door and open it. The sight I see bring tears to my eyes and my heart melts with endearment. Kate is out in the street unpacking the trunk of her car which is ideally strange because I didn't know she got her car back. Normally someone would drop it off since she said it was getting it detailed and she wouldn't have it back for a while, but I couldn't give a care in the world what the reason was. It's been less than a week since I last saw her but it feels like decades.

I miss her laugh, her excessive need to shop, and her nonstop talking about boys. Our fight has made me realize just how important she is and how much I need her in my life. With that, I pick up the hem of my dress and sprint towards her. Before she can see me coming I have my arms wrapped around her like vines.

"I missed you so much! I am so so sorry. Don't ever leave me again." I plead and profess. I have so much to tell her – About Professor Grey, Kalum, my dad. I just wish I could tell her now. If only I didn't have obligations to go to this stupid party.

"I missed you too. You look beautiful by the way. What's the occasion?"

"Thank you. And it's a long story. I'll tell you all about it later." I say smiling from ear to ear. "Oh hey before I forget! Why did you call me early this week? I've been so side tracked I never had the time to get back to you."

"Oh it was nothing." She sounds off, different. I pull her away at arm's length and search her face. She looks normal. Still the same beautiful blued eyed Kate but I can't help but sense otherwise.

"You okay?" My eyebrows frown in a prying way.

"Yeah yeeeahh." She steps back towards the trunk of her car, stretching out her limbs casually almost like she is hiding something from me.

"You're sure?" I inquire stepping towards her. She's skittish. I guess being on the opposite side of interrogations isn't her thing.

"Positive." She puts on a smile that doesn't reach her eyes. For one who can catch liars she isn't too well at being one.

"Whatcha got there?" She begins to pull down the lid of the trunk as I peak my head around her body to catch a glimpse of what's inside but I quickly shove her away before it closes.

"What are these?" There is a medium sized box full of letters. I pick one up and it has my name written down on the center of it.

"They are from your father." Her head is bowed, which angers me because I want to see her eyes. I want her to look me in the eyes and see how betrayed I feel and look.

"How do you even have his letters?" I'm picking up letter by letter from the pile that doesn't seem to get any smaller. As I take in a new letter I toss the old one to the ground. They all have dates marked on them; some as old as my first day of my freshman year of college. So much anger is boiling up inside of me I have no room for tears. Which I guess is in my favor because explaining to Kalum and his parent why I look like the Grudge isn't the best conversation starter or first impression.

"Since the summer of our first year in college I've been going to the center and checking up on him; seeing if he is doing alright. Your father really misses you and he wants to be in your life again. He's been writing ever since he got there. It's a method the facility does with their patients. It is suppose to give the patient an opportunity to write down what they never had a chance to say in person. He asked me to give them to you when the right time came, but I haven't had the courage to do it until now." She walks next to me and reaches into the trunk to access the box. Kate gestures the box towards me but all I can do is retreat from it.

"I don't want those! And I don't want you talking to him!" My voice cracks. And what makes you think that this was the right time Kate? Did you know he was just here? At my door step?" I point toward our house. Every bone, muscle, and vein in my body is pulsating. "Outstanding timing Kate. Just perfect." Her face is deadpan, not even a hint of shock hits her face.

"You knew didn't you?" So this is what betrayal feels like.

"Ana…"

"Is this some kind of sick joke?"

"No, no of course not!"

"Then what is it? Humor me. What aren't you telling me?" The look on her face tells me there is more to this story than meets the eye.

"Ana, he is the only family you have in the whole world. He just wants to make things right." Kate picks up a random letter. "If you see the letters then you'll see –"

"I'll see what?" I cut her off harshly as I yank the letter out of her hand. "I'll be reminded of how a terrible father he was. How I had to support us by working two jobs plus school because he couldn't sober up enough to hold a steady job. That I was all alone when trying to figure out how I was going to get into college? Or that he wasn't there on the one day that mattered most to me?" For once Kate has nothing to say; she's speechless. "I know how important family is Kate…" A stray tear begins its course down my face but I stop it in its tracks. "Because I never had one."

"Ana, I'm sorry but he is too. "She walks toward me and grabs my hand. Her touch doesn't leave the calming affect it normally does.

The horn of my limo stops me from making any further rants toward Kate, as it pulls up to the curb. "I got to go." I turn my back from Kate and yank my hand from her grasp.

"Ana wait!" She tries to grabs hold of my arm but I swiftly dodge her effort.

"No! We are done here."

With each step I take towards the limo, sobs from behind me become faint. When I reach the sleek black limo, I am greeted by a man in his mid-thirties in a sharp dark suit and tie. "Miss Steele." The chauffeur calls beside me with a hand over his heart, he gave a half bow as I passed into the car. He awaits for me and my dress to clamber completely into the vehicle before closing it behind me.

A loud thud startles me and I notice a dark figure through the dark tinted window. I roll down the window in aggravation. I just want this night to be over.

"Ana I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Well your actions state otherwise." I hold up the window button as it begins to ascend upward but I stop it midway.

"You lied to me, Kate. And for that you lost my trust. But I do deserve a better explanation when I get home tonight," I finish rolling up the window without a sliver of sympathy and then watch her figure fade away.

"Everything alright, miss?" My chauffeur turns his head and waits for my response.

"Yes. We can go now."

During the drive I watch what looks like Seattle's nightlife slowly passing by and my nerves are on the edge. The tinted windows blur the outside scenery making it hard to tell where I am heading. I'm becoming more nervous with each second that passes. I can sense my destination is close but all I want is to be as far away from it as possible.

"Miss Steele, we are here." The voice of my driver stuns me. I was so lost in my thoughts, that I didn't even realize that we stopped.

I roll down my window and I am dumfounded at the sight I am witnessing. A huge mansion stands before me, each window lit up, and surrounded by full grown trees and other greenery. The mansion was a mixture of contemporary and traditional elements as the structures were styled like it had come from the pre-war era.

"Are you sure we're at the right place?"

"Yes ma'am." The driver hops out of the car and I wait for him to open my door. Although I could have opened it myself, I would feel odd getting out of the car and have him stand there no knowing what to do. I mean it is his job. He takes my hand and helps me out of the limo.

"Thank you."

"No problem, miss." He shuts the side door, makes his way toward the driver's side and gets back into the car. I hear him turn the car engine back on and I almost forgot to ask him about the most important thing about tonight. The limo starts to roll off but I begin to slam hard against the vehicle's exterior.

"Wait!" I'm running, which feels like awkward waddling in my four inch heels.

He stops a few feet away from me only making me walk a couple of steps. The driver rolls down the passenger window and I rest my arms against the frame as I catch my breath. I really need to work out more. "Sorry for that."

"Not a problem. Did you forget something in the back?"

"No no. I just have a few quick questions." He nods his head waiting for me to proceed. "How am I getting home? Are you coming back? Do you have a card I can call you from?" I say all too fast and I'm worried he didn't understand a word I said.

"Mr. Gallagher has everything handled. You're in safe hands miss." And with that he  
rolls up the window and drives off leaving me with nothing.

"What do you mean everything is handled!" I yell at the retrieving limo but I quickly stop when I notice guests starting at me. Kalum is a death trap. Nothing about him is safe.

Walking toward the entrance, I am speechless. This house, well mansion, is stunning. I never knew Seattle had such a breathtaking building such as this. I reach the steps of residence and I can't help but glance at the beauty around me.

The front yard is massive consisting of a U-shaped driveway that ends at a metal gate I must have entered from. At the center of the yard stands a beatific fountain creating a mesmerizing water show for all to behold. I take a step back and observe the erect main compound which is the only one with two stories while four other smaller buildings branching off from it.

"Something tells me this is not a little commencement reception."

* * *

**AN:** Thank you all for reading and staying with this story. I know it's not packed with non-stop sex and has your usual fan favorite characters but I thought taking such a popular book and making it my own was something out of the box.

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I know I did. Introducing Ana's father and finding out why Kate has been gone was something I really loved writing. Thank you all again. Next chapter is my favorite. **PLEASE REVIEW**. I would love to hear what you have to say.


	11. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"Ma'am." A young man in a black and white tux greets me and gestures for me to take his hand. I oblige and he guides me toward two large wooden doors. He takes hold of one of the door's handles and springs it open with ease.

The view I am blessed to behold seems like it's out of a fairytale, like Cinderella or Beauty and the Beast.

"Enjoy your night miss." The man addresses me as he shut the door behind me.

The inside of the mansion is beyond ones' imagination. As soon I walk in, my eyes are drawn to a dominating, crystal chandelier. It had many layers and hung low as it casts an eerie light over the numerous guest dressed for the occasion; it was a work of art. The men all wore black suits with matching ties while as the women looked glamorous in studded and embellished designer gowns. There are double stairs that lead upstairs and illuminated white tiles glinting with the moon's glow pouring in from the windows along with numerous corridors which I'm sure leads to many other rooms.

I instantly feel uncomfortable and out of place; I don't belong here. I want to retreat far away and never look back. I begin to descend until I see Kalum standing next to two unknown men. Anger rises in me once more today. He lied to me, big time. Why would he lie to me when he knew I had no choice in the matter whatsoever? Whether the circumstances, tonight was inevitable. We made a deal – my secret stays a secret as long as I played the part of Kalum's perfect girlfriend. Oh god that sounds horrendous. This night better end just as fast as it started.

My eyes are locked on Kalum, virtually burning a hole through his head. I think he senses my tortuous attempt because he turns his head toward me and a smile erupts on his face. What on earth is he grinning at? Before making his way towards my direction, he casually excuses himself from the two gentlemen. I can even make out the words "Excuse me." on his exit.

He gently makes his way through the crowd and finally reaches me. Kalum is now standing before me looking dashing I must say.

"Good Evening." Oh so now he wants to be a gentleman. A little too late if you ask me.

"I need a drink." I declare while rolling my eyes excessively. I begin to drift off from Kalum's side and search for the bar when he grabs me by the wrist tightly. My first instinct is to pull away from him until I notice what he is doing. With his thumb, he is tracing the scars on my wrists. Feeling each one with what I think is fascination. He removes his touch and dives his hand into his pocket. It doesn't take long before he presents a thin, but long rectangular box.

Kalum opens the box and what I see is too overwhelming. "What is this?" I ask, knowing what the contents in the box were but why I was being handed it.

"It's a bracelet. It might not cover your scars completely but it will be a distraction for everyone else and maybe even you." He shrugs while holding the bracelet from both ends. Why does he even care? And where is this nice side coming from?

"I can't accept this."

"I'm not really giving you a choice." He fastens the bracelet onto one of my wrists. I have to admit it's stunning. Each link features clusters diamonds, encircled by three frames filled with additional diamonds. "It's a gift. Don't make things more difficult than they have to be."

"I don't know what to say."

"You could say thank you."

"Thank you." I sincerely express gratitude to him.

"Shall we?" Kalum hooks his arm out and waits for me to take his gesture so he can escort me into the party thoroughly. He leads me towards the center of the room and all I want to know is the answer to the mind numbing question that has been on replay since I've arrived.

"Why didn't you tell me this was more than a simple get together? I didn't know you were going to wine and dine me."

"I thought the dress was a dead giveaway?" Shit he is right. This dress is way too formal for a simple gathering. "Besides if I told you the truth you would have never come. I know how you are about things like these."

"I am fully capable of attending whatever this is." I gesture my free hand to express the non-intimidating area. "Besides it's not like you gave me a choice."

"And for that I am completely sorry."

"I've enough of sorrys' for one day, so why don't you just cut the crap and tell me what this whole thing is."

"It's a founder's ball."

"A what?" I try to contain my anger.

"See I told you, you couldn't handle it."

"I can't believe –" Kalum removes his arm from my hold and wraps it around my hip when we stop in front of a woman. He forcefully pulls my close to his side causing me to end my sentence. I am grateful he did because I am not fully sure I would have been able to halt verbally assaulting him. And that last thing I need is embarrassing myself in front of the founding families of Seattle.

"Kalum! Honey, I've been searching for you everywhere!"

"And is this the infamous Ana? I'm Lyra Gallagher, Kalum's mother." She extends he hand and I accept it. For a woman she has a strong firm. "It is such a pleasure to meet you. I've heard so many things about you."

"Really?" I try to unnoticeably elbow Kalum's side. "All good things I hope, Ms. Gallagher." His mother stares at us suspiciously while put on the biggest smile I can plaster on my face in hope she doesn't suspect something is up.

"Please call me Lyra."

"There you guys are!" A young female comes barreling towards, light-brown haired, hazel eyes, and curvaceous. She's young, maybe just graduated high school.

"Ana! I've heard so much about you." She hugs me hard.

"So I've heard." I mutter into her shoulder. She releases me and I can't help but smile at her boundless enthusiasm. "I didn't know you had a sister."I whisper into Kalum's ear.

"You never asked." He whisper's back. "Plus Chauntal isn't someone I enjoy talking about."

"You are so gorgeous!" Chauntal's eyes light up with excitement. "He said you were pretty but I didn't know you were this pretty." I brush crimson.

"Chauntal, calm down," Lyra scolds softly.

"What? It's not every day we meet one of Kalum's girlfriends. If we could even call them that." I glimpse Kalum rolling his eyes, and I raise an eyebrow at him. He narrows his eyes at me. What now?

"Thank you." It's all I can say. I'm not the best at receiving complements or give them.

"Did you find your father?" Kalum's mother asks Chauntal.

"Yes. He is about to make his speech with the mayor."

"I am so glad you could join us on such a special night, Ana." Special night?

As if he heard my question, he responds, "We are a founding family. Tonight is in honor of my family." It was a light whisper but the words were like I was just hit with a wave of revelation. I'm so overwhelmed. Just when I thought I knew everything about him, I get bombarded. Wait, it all makes sense now. The reason why he wanted to impress his father on the night that counts. I don't mind playing along, for my benefit of course. However, I can't help but feel like a trophy – the only reason why he wants me here is so he can earn brownie points.

The sudden dinging of crystal makes everyone's head turn, including mine. It takes a few dings before people starting going "shhh," and a couple more before the whole crowd goes silent.

"Uh, if everyone could gather, please." A man comes into view and stops midway on one of the double stairs. I am utterly astounded by who I see; the mayor of Seattle. Seeing him really puts my mind into gear that this is a high society function and for the sake of Kalum's reputation and my dignity I need to act like the perfect girlfriend.

"Welcome, thank you for joining us tonight. Tonight we have been brought here in celebration of one of the many founding families. Here on behave of his family is Mr. Calvin Gallagher."

Everyone applauses as Dean Gallagher descends the staircase toward the mayor. "Thank you all for attending this honorable night and sharing it with my family and I. I want to thank you all for supporting the community and figuring out ways to make Seattle a better place to call home. What we achieve is done with teamwork and I know I couldn't ask for a better group of people than the people I stand with in this very room. With that I would like to continue tradition of our founding families and commence the evening with a dance."

The harmony of violins and cellos intoxicate the ballroom as Kalum extends his hand towards me. "It would be rude not to dance, you know."

"Got to keep up the act, right?" I retort as I take his hand. I hope that statement gave him reassurance that I am not dancing with him because I want to but because I have to. We find a place on the floor and Kalum takes his hand in mine and places the other on the small of my back. Before I know it my feet are moving the melody of instrumental music. I know Kalum is laughing at me. I mean who wouldn't? I know I'm all over the place. I'm just glad he is helping disguise my lack of rhythm.

"I never got to apologize for my behavior and blackmailing you." He murmurs as he leads is in a different direction.

" Don't. Seriously."

"Okay then. On to more mannered subjects then, like how beautiful you look in that dress."

"I didn't really have time to shop."

Kalum raises an eyebrow and snickers, "Good thing I thought ahead, uh?"

"Good thing." I put a smile on my face although I don't mean it.

We continue dancing until Kalum twirls me out fast and then back, but I don't land safely in his arms; suddenly I'm in someone else's. I almost think it was unintentional until I notice other couples switching out their partners. I gaze up and soak in the familiar beauty of my new dance partner.

"Professor Grey." What is he doing here? I'm taken back by the impromptu appearance of Kate's professor and my now "counselor". His gray eyes glaze over and I feel like I'm witnessing something intimate.

"You look stunning, if it isn't obvious." I don't speak. My heart flutters; it's caught in my throat. The instrumental music changes to a slower, more seductive tempo. I can feel Grey's eyes on me as all of the couples stand beside each other with hands crossing over each other to make a figure eight.

He readjusts our grips in each other's hands and a rememberable shock course through me. "Thank you." I finally muster up enough courage to speak. I don't know why but I blush underneath his stare and gaze towards the ground. Professor Grey starts to dance, catching me off guard causing me to step on his foot. "Sorry! I'm so so sorry. Are you okay?" I ramble. Damn these heels!

Professor Grey laughs at my innocent act and I can't help but feel myself blush again. _Shit_ why do I always do that? I begin to push away from him to prevent further embarrassment but his hand lowers down my spine to my waist. He then jerks me towards his body as if to say 'You're not going anywhere'. Heat smolders within me. I can sense heat burning in him too. It courses through me and into him in every place we are touching.

We begin to move again however I start to feel hesitant, rationality surfacing in my mind. I mean this is a teacher I am dancing with. What if someone assumes something? But my hesitation fades when he looks into my eyes.

I quickly look away and he leads me into a spin. I follow through but I'm not into it like I was. I'm staring off into the crowd of unknown faces and I come across Kalum's wary face.

"You seem off. Everything okay?" His gray eyes searches through mine as if he is looking for something. Hopefully he doesn't find the truth.

"Yeah, it's nothing." I pause. "Really." My mood is deteriorating. I can't stand this place much longer. The only thing keeping me here is dancing with Professor Grey and keeping my secret intact.

All of a sudden, he twirls me out onto the floor and pulls me closer to him. As the dance progresses our feet work together perfectly. Not like before when I could barely take one step without making a complete fool of myself. I shockingly find myself smiling a bit. Professor Grey is one of those people that can always find a way to make me smile, no matter what the situation is.

I catch a glimpse of an infrequent smile upon his face and I think it's because he sees me actually enjoying myself. All of a sudden, he twirls me out onto the floor and pulls me closer to him. I rest my head on his shoulder my arms around his neck.

"May I ask you a question, Professor Grey?"

"Yes. Anything."

"Who did you come here with?" I sense him stiffen and I begin to regret asking.

"Dr. Lincoln." He says it almost with no emotion. That's odd.

"Oh." I try not to sound disappointed but I am. I then start to wonder where Professor Grey's date is. Before my search for her initiates, I forgo the thought of seeing her face. It would only make tonight worse than it already is.

We dance silently for a few moments until he speaks, "I need to talk to you." Professor Grey sounds desperate and his eyes are pleading.

"Okay, so talk."

"Not here." He murmurs as he twirls me around and brings me back to his front. Only this time he has me at his front, holding me in place. I feel his chest lightly grazing my back and the next thing I know he is leaning into my ear. _I can feel his hot breath on my neck_. The air is electric, thickening with lust. His mouth descends towards the shell of my ear behind me.

"Meet me upstairs in twenty. There's a room down the hall. Last door to the right." Grey whispers lecherously. His desperation is so thick in his voice I can almost taste it.

"Wait. Why –" Before I can finish my sentence he disappears into the crowd.

I am now standing alone in the middle of the dance floor, staggered. The feeling of loneliness and that high on life feeling I felt while dancing with Professor Grey wanes when Kalum's arms embrace me. My heart rate starts to slow and my breathing returns to a steady pace. The spark is gone except for the faint flicker of my current thoughts of his hands still touching mine and the vista of those enchanting gray eyes.

"I see you've met Mr. Grey. He is quite the charmer isn't he?"

"Yeah I guess."I attempt to seem uninterested in the god-like man.

"He's one of the biggest benefactors every year."

"Really?" I asked, honestly fascinated to know more about him.

"Yeah. Ever since he moved here. He isn't apart of a founding family but his family has close connections to many of them."

"Wow." I don't know if I can handle much more perfection out of one man.

"Yeah well anyways. Let's go talk to my dad he's been dying to talk to you."

"Okay."

I meet Kalum's father accordingly. We talk about school, what I want to do after college, and work. The work subject wasn't fun at all. Having to fluff how Kalum and I met and how we had an instant connection made me want to vomit, but I made a deal and I had to follow through.

Every time Mr. Gallagher would speak, I would zone out and just stare at the second floor. It's been about fifteen minutes since Professor Grey told me to meet him upstairs but I am reluctant to go. Yet I know if I don't go see him I am always going to wonder 'what if'. Knowing me, if I don't go I will live to regret it and I already have enough of those.

"Will you excuse me?" I announce to Kalum's family as walk towards the back of the mansion to act like I am going to get some air. Just went I thought I made a clean getaway and I halted by a familiar grip.

"Where are you going?" Kalum's features show distress.

"I need to get some air."

"Oh." He takes a step back. I reflect that he might think he is suffocating me. And I start to feel guilty about what I'm about to do. However curiosity to know what Professor Grey wants to tell me is overweighing that guilt.

"I just need a few minutes alone. It's been a long night." I wasn't lying. That was the truth, which made this a lot easier to walk away.

"Sure. I have my phone on me if you need me."

"Okay. Thanks." He walks away and turns his head back for one final glance before returning back to the ballroom.

_Shit. _What do I do now? I can't just waltz upstairs without Kalum or anyone else seeing me. Time was of the essence and I need to come up with a plan. Ultimately, my only choice is to see if one of these corridors can lead me upstairs. I begin to travel down to vacant halls and just my luck there is a back stairwell that leads to the second floor.

"Thank God. I just hope I'm not too late." I mutter to myself.

After making my way up the steps, I find the door Professor Grey was talking about, but I'm worried I'm too late and that he thinks I stood him up. Anxiously, I turn the door handle and begin the creep open the door. The room is completely dark except for two lamps that are on. I see the silhouette of a familiar man leaning against the wall. My breath hitches.

Before I knew what was happing, Grey pushed me against the room door. His hands were firmly on either side of my body and he had me trapped between the door and him. A million thoughts rushed through my mind. His body loomed over mine and I could almost swear I felt my heart in the pit of my stomach.

_What the hell is he doing?_

Forming logical sentences was unfeasible to formulate in my mind. All I can do is gulp down the anxiety I have and hold my ground – well what ground I do have. Grey leans towards me, cutting the distance between our bodies. He dips his head down, coming closer to my face until his lips were only a few inches apart from mine.

I gaze up into his eyes and there's something different about them. The clarity in them have faded and now they are dark clouded with... something. He plasters on an innocent blinding smile that makes me shiver. There is something unnerving about him; it's on the tip of my tongue.

Just as I thought he was going to come crashing down, he stops, places his forehead on mine, and gazes into my eyes. "Anastasia." I feel my legs go weak as he says my name. I then sense one of his arms trail along my side seductively creating a pool of desire between my legs. His arm lowers further and just when I think he is going to make a move I hear a click as he locks the door. Professor Grey breathes out causing his breath to run down my neck. Goosebumps sprout on my skin when his mouth grazes me. I close my eyes shut. His lips linger near my ear and his breathing grows heavy and ragged.

"Professor Grey." My voice quivers. "You need to think about what you're about to do." I pleaded with him, hoping to give him some words of wisdom.

"I know. I know" He whispers against the shell of my ear in a low, husky tone. He then hit the door with his fist hard but not hard enough to be heard from downstairs. I flinch as Grey backs away slowly with a look of devastation on his face.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry I don't know what came over me." I can hear the sadness seeping in his voice. "Please…" He pauses. "Please don't tell –"

"I wasn't going to. Don't worry. We can just call it even. A secret for a secret." He smiles and it's a smile that I'm enthralled with.

My phone suddenly chimes with a text message, _Great, who could that be? _I reach into my clutch purse, pull it out, and read the screen.

**_Where are you? I can't find you anywhere. – K.G._**

**I type him a quick response telling him that I went on a tour around the mansion and that I got lost but am on my way back to the ballroom."I've got to go."**

I step to the door and place my fingers on the handle. I open the door all the way and before heading out I gaze back at Professor Grey. His face is full of regret and remorse. All I want to do is tell him that while he and I were chest to chest, I wanted him. How could I _not_ want him?

He's brilliant and passionate and generous. When I'm around him, he makes me want to be a better person. And he is doing just that. I can't jeopardize our professional relationship just because I can't keep my hands to myself. Because if he didn't back away I'm not confident my actions would have been honorable to the rules. "Ana?" He stalks toward me once more and I begin to worry we are about to go for around two but he stops right in front of me, arms locked by his side. "I had fun tonight."

The room grows hotter with his confession. We stand there looking into each other's eyes. He grabs my hands in his and interlocks our fingers. He rubs my hands with his thumbs causing shoots a stream of sparks into my blood with every brush of his skin against mine.

I look up at him from beneath my lashes. "Me too." That was the honest truth and I needed him to know that.

"You go out first. I know you have to head out sooner than I do."

I can't help but smile. Even in the midst of what we just went through he can still be chivalrous.

"Oh before I forget. What was it that you wanted to tell me?"

"Uhhh." He stutters. "It's nothing. To be honest I have no idea what it was even about."

Professor Grey smiles and opens the door for me. I take a couple of steps out of the dark room and see the devil herself. Dr. Lincoln in front of me with the biggest smug expression I've seen in my existence.

"Well, isn't this interesting," she taunts, sauntering over to me in her skillfully crafted gown. She was beautiful. I couldn't deny that. Her sophisticated silhouette was embellished with lace and sheerness is done with taste. But my envy of her looks vanishes with the reality of what's going on become apparent. "And I see you have Professor Grey with you as well." Shit has really hit the fan now. We've been caught and I'm going to lose everything. Professor Grey is going to lose everything. "This is all my fault –"

"You don't have to explain yourself. I know what is going on here." She snaps at me like a snake attacking its prey. I glance over to Mr. Grey to see his eyes full of… hate. I am so confused!

"You do?"

"Yes. I do." I'm really hoping she doesn't assume the worst. I really need her to lose a couple brain cells right now.

"Run along now." What? That was a change in direction. Dr. Lincoln is staring intensely at Professor Grey. I feel like a third wheel.

"Um but –"

"Just go Ana." Professor Grey's voice is harsh, ugly. I hate it. It makes me wince. He's never talked to me like that. "GO!" It was much harsher this time but I sense some regret, like he didn't wholeheartedly mean it. Well he meant for me to go but not the way he was saying it. It's almost like he is protecting me from something but I don't know what.

I don't look back and head my way back downstairs the way I came. I'm practically running until I reach the ballroom entrance and I slow down to recollect myself. When I catch my breath I walk in with grace I didn't know I had. Kalum spots my instantly and struts towards me.

"Are you okay? You were gone for a while." He intakes a breath. "I was worried."

"I'm fine. Just lost track of time and my way." He puts his arm out and waits for me to take his gesture like before but this time I deny his offer. "Is it alright you take me home."

"Yeah sure just let me say goodbye to my parents and sister then we can go." He puts on his panty dropper smile. Still the same ole Kalum. "Stay right here. Don't want you getting lost again." I giggle. For a man whore he sure knows how to make a girl laugh.

* * *

The car ride home is silent, which is to be expected. Kalum is driving what I guess is his car. It's expensive, that part is obvious. Although luxurious and pricey things never did impress me but that doesn't mean I can't admire them. Like this dress. Yes, I'm in love with it but it was only a part of the deal. Once tonight is over I'm returning it back to Kalum.

Glancing through the passenger window I take in the city at night. It has a perfect combination between the nightlife and the sleepy city. I really need to see and experience more of Seattle. I have my own hands knotted in my lap, trying count down the minutes until I get home.

He pulls up to the side of my house and parks the car on the curb. Kalum quickly walks around to the passenger door, pausing before opening the door, giving me a second to get my things. As the door opens; I step out, holding his hand to help me climb out the seat. He walks me all the way to the porch of my duplex and I can't help but feel nervous. What if he tries to make a pass at me?

"Thank you for tonight. My parents and sister loved you. I knew they would." Kalum declares as he puts his hands into his jacket pockets.

"No problem." I say quickly hoping he will say goodnight and let me go inside.

"Not just for this, Ana. For everything..." Great. Somehow I know I'm going to be here for awhile. "I don't know what I would do if you weren't there tonight. Even when you probably felt out of place."

"I was fine, really. I think I took care of myself pretty well."

"You did and that's what I like about you, Ana."

I ignore his comment hoping I was just hearing things. "You're world is very..." I try to look for the right word. "Perplexed."

"And living in it is just." He sighs heavily. "Sometimes as I'm sitting at these events listening to everyone chattering on and on about nothing, I look around and I think." He pauses and all of this conversation is getting… well personal. "How did I get here? I just want to move past my life where it is now and find something new. Does that make any sense?" I nod. Although I am a bit lost. Why is he telling me all of this? "There's been something I've been wanting to tell you all night I just didn't know who to word it all. But now I do." He gulps hard, as he studies my face carefully, searching for approval to continue. I don't make any gesture for approval but he goes on anyways.

"I know I've been known to get into a _trouble_ every once in a while." The way he annunciated trouble cause me to blush. I know exact what he means by 'trouble'. "But I can tell you now that I'm not like that anymore." He stretches one of his arms over his head and smiled at me sweetly. Oh my god! Kalum is nervous. I thought I'd never see the day. Yet, it doesn't stop me from calling him out on his attempt to woo me.

"If you're saying you've changed then you might want to reconsider that. Change is something I am overly knowledgeable about. And the one thing about it is that change can't happen overnight. Sorry to rain on your parade Kalum, but once a bad boy always a bad boy." My voice is full of confidence; something I'm not use to.

Kalum doesn't comment immediately which makes me worry. He is looking at me in a very serious manner, his brows slightly drawn together. I bit my lip contemplating weather to say something but he beats me to it.

"Ana, for once in my life I am going to be honest. You are beautiful and I like you but I know, you've heard around school, that I'm not a one girl type of guy. And I was but not anymore. Despite the way I've treated you in the past, I do want you to know that I care for you. I constantly think about you. And it's becoming unbearable to just stand on the sidelines and not be next to you – be in your presence." I can't speak. Why the hell can't I speak? I'm frozen solid. I feel his hands on my arms. "There's something between us, I can feel it. We have a connection here, don't we?" This is a new side of Kalum I haven't seen before. I cringing at the way his voice sounds; it's so desperate.

With as much effort as I could muster, I stepped back, pulling away from him. Finally I think he is getting my vibe. "I'm sorry." He pleads. "I shouldn't have piled all that on you." Kalum starts to walk backwards step by step to his car. I feel so bad, but at this moment I'm gratefully he got the message because would have had no idea what to say or how to handle this situation.

"Umm goodnight. I guess." He is stuttering. I'm not going to lie, it's a precious sight. "See you at work." And with that he is gone.

Not knowing what else to do I head inside, shut the door behind me and lean up against it as I gaze up at the ceiling. Words are finally materializing in my head again. And the one and only thing that occupied my mind was that all the while Kalum was venting his emotions towards me, all I wanted was for Professor Grey to be saying the exact same things.

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**PLEASE READ! MAJOR INFORMATION BELOW!**

**AN****:** Thank you all for the reviews ( I read each and every one of them ), favs and follows. Please **REVIEW** and please please please tell me what you think, feel, hate, wonder, etc. If there is a question I haven't answered please remind me. To answer ShadoeCoon's questions: Yes, And still goes to her classes but I try not to focus on the minor details of the story. I feel like you as readers care more about the characters and story rather than Ana's studies. And no Kalum is not taking the place of Jack Hyde in my take but if there are similarities that you as a reader sees than more the merrier. Speaking of Kalum I know some of you might be forming a love-hate-relationship with him right now but don't feel bad, that is my intention. And if you didn't that's fine too!

I am sad to say I am still working on chapter 10 aka Christian's point of view. I've been busy with school starting up again and trying to really convey him the way he deserves. Please be patient but I expect to update on Tuesday as planned. However I don't know when I will be able to update after that but I will try my best. My guess is that I will update every two weeks instead of one but that is just a estimate. **BUT PLEASE HANG IN THERE! I ALREADY KNOW HOW I AM GOING TO END THIS STORY AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SHARE IT WITH YOU.**


	12. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Anastasia Steele. God damnit! Just thinking of her name sends me in a frenzy of frustration. My fist slams hard against my wood desk, leaving surge of pain. Shit! My shaking finger tips run through my hair. I've never thought I'd be in this situation. It wasn't supposed to turnout this way.

I nearly fell on my hands and knees when I walked into my office. I couldn't think, speak, do anything. I can't get her out of my head; she is beautiful and a reincarnation of my sister. What I saw before me was impossible. I was seeing a ghost –my sister. But there was something about her that seemed unmistakably familiar.

She clumsily fell, causing all of her belongings to scatter across the floor. My inner gentleman instincts brought me to her aid. And that's when I discovered that unmistakably familiar something turned out to be the exact reason my sister is not on this earth today when she rolled up her sweater's sleeves. It didn't take long for her to notice my palpable stare. Our eyes met and all I could think was _fuck me! _Ana's eyes were a piercing blue that were hypnotic.

But an opportunity is knocking at my door and I am going to take it. Elena has helped me see my mission through. Later that day when Miss Steele came into my office and I saw her faded scars I called her. She and I are on a first name basis but it stops there. We're business partners, nothing more although she thinks otherwise. I don't cross the line of business and pleasure – two different worlds that will never become unified. She knows the reason as to why I am a psychology professor. We don't keep secrets from each other. When we met it didn't take long before we got to business. She is the type of woman who gets straight to the point and I like that, saves time. And time is money.

That's what she wants out of this. While I want answers she wants the fortune. Our plan? I would dissect and manipulate the mind of someone who has experience with self-harm. With all the research I would formulate my hope is to find out if the reason why my sister took her own life was mental. My sister, Mia didn't leave behind anything to conclude her reason of suicide.

Elena is an author and has published national bestseller. Being a determined woman I am not surprised to all of her success. But one of her worst qualities is being greedy. She always wants more – to be better, richer, and more successful.

The phone call was short lived. I told her about the girl. Not giving her name at the time because at that moment she was just a project to me. She only told me one thing which I have already failed at. _Do not get attached._ And I wasn't. Each day I met her all I saw was just a pretty face, nothing more. Just a girl that has all the answers. Answers I've been searching for, for over –well just way too long.

Elena later then invited me to dinner to celebrate. Although I didn't consider using a girl to get what we wanted by telling lies and manipulating her was something to celebrate about, no wasn't a word she is very fond of. As usual she was very flirtatious, not caring who saw her sensual acts.

We headed out and like all the other times I've been out with Elena she invited me to come over. Knowing what that entailed I declined. Rejection is one hard pill to swallow for her but she is going to have to get used to get when it comes to me. Since she was my ride home, I walked home that night. I didn't live far so it was nice to be alone and take everything in. Everything I have worked for was finally falling into place.

Only a few blocks away from my house, I stumbled upon what appeared to be a couple up against a local club's wall performing an indiscreet act in the distance. God teenagers these days. I closer I got the more I saw that not only was the situation coerced but the female pushed up against the wall and being violated was in fact Ana.

Fortunately, I kept my twitching palm stowed even with some resentment from the fucker. He was lucky I didn't have to turn the boy's face inside out. Ana was shaken up and not from the cold night air. I gave her my jacket and we talked. It was nice. She is so strong willed and I couldn't help but love her smart mouth. _Do not get attached_ .Elena's words cleared my head of any attachment I might have been forming. She is just a girl I told myself. I am doing this for Mia.

It was getting late but before I left, I told her to meet me for coffee as a repayment. She offered to buy me a drink from the club but it was already do late I had to decline. I knew it could be my ticket to gain her trust. The first step onto finally getting my answers. I saw her smile and I knew she had nonverbally mutely accepted.

When I got her email just thirty minutes before I headed to the coffee shop I wanted to through something breakable against the wall. But I couldn't lose my cool. I composed myself and I purposely didn't' reply to her email. I always love having the upper hand.

It was about eight twenty when I heard her voice. To my surprise she was dressed in a uniform instead of her usual casual clothing. She works here. I thought. Everything from that moment on lead me to believe I fucked up. That in less than twenty four hours I ruined my only chance at getting what I wanted. But what I forgot was who I was to her. Who I could be to her – a teacher, a mentor, a confidant.

I gave her my card and let her decide on her own. At that moment she was in control of my fate. A feeling I would never want to experience again. And luckily I didn't have to. She showed up that very night. However that didn't stop me from having my doubts. I called Elena to tell her that I had failed. That we were done, ruined. But of course her stubborn self wouldn't let me give up. She even came to the conclusion that if all else failed that we would force her into giving up the information we desired. I laughed thinking she was kidding but through my teary filled eyes I could see her face. Full of stern seriousness. My laughter stopped. I was seeing a totally different side of Elena that I didn't know existed. And to be honest I, Christian Grey was timid.

She left with the last words of "Get it done." I noticed her standing just outside my doorway talking to someone but I couldn't fully recognize who. My curiosity won and drives me to find out who held mystery voice. When I do, my eyes are graced to see Ana. Her eyes lock with mine and I can't help but sense my control slipping. What is she doing to me was all I could think of.

Everything after that was such a blur. All I could remember was Elena's lips slamming against mine for an unneeded amount of time. Her intentions quickly became clear to me. I had to admit she is one smart woman. Just moments before she had came up with a method for me to win over not just Ana but her heart as well. The kiss was to make her jealous, although I knew Elena was in a win-win situation. It is well known to me that she has been dying to do that since we've met.

The rest of the night I was just a mess but I don't let it show. I didn't prepare myself enough for how to handle this – her. I find out she came to do what Elena and I hoped for. Although I play it off well –being the deadpan snarky ass I am I still don't think I was ready. I thought I was but seeing her reminded me of my sister. The night plays off how I suspected it to go. Nowhere. I get nothing out of her. Which in fact is what I wanted. I need her trust. And who can you confide in someone you can't truth wholeheartedly? I told her when my office hours are in hope she came back to see me. She does and I couldn't help but feel joy. An emotion I hadn't truly felt in years. _Do not get attached. _Those retched words filled my mind. But I couldn't help but agree with them. I had a goal and I needed to fulfill it.

She told me everything with hesitation yes but she tells me the truth. Not leaving out a single point. To this day I can't help but wonder why that was. She trusted me so easily. No doubts just the utter most confidence I would take her secrets to my grave. And I would. Her name was safe, her friends, and family. But the facts the information she was giving me? Well those I am going to have to take.

That was all on Wednesday. I wouldn't see her for another week. Which I was glad about. I had time to soak everything in. Get a new mind set. Rediscover my motive and intentions for all of this. It only takes be a few days to wipe out all the grief I was previously feeling before. I had Elena help me a little as well. She can be very convincing – well more like manipulative but it was for all the right reasons. Ana was now just someone I saw as a patient. Someone who I was just using and when I was done with her I would cut all ties and walk away clean. No guilt. Just my answers.

Then on Saturday night at the gala I lost it all. All self control I even forgot why I was doing what I was doing in the first place. I almost didn't recognize her when I saw her. She was beautiful. More than beautiful. No words could describe her beauty.

My eyes were glued to her figure. Her dress hugged her body in all the right places which makes me suck in a raged breathe as I noticed her cleavage was in perfect view. God I was horny teenager all over again.

When I composed myself I pulled my date, Elena onto the dance floor. Yes, I brought her as I date. Being alone at such an important event didn't settle with me. My family couldn't make it for god knows what so I invited her to come with me. She was already invited being such a known citizen and professor but I knew coming with her would help with making the night less excruciating.

"Stop staring. It's creepy." I said as we swayed to the melody of instrumental music.

"Beautiful isn't she?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Oh cut the act! You've been staring at her like a lovesick puppy since she walked in."

I was saved from not wanting to give an answer when the dance called for switching partners. I had Ana in might sights and I was determined to get one dance with her. And I did. When our hands touched the electric current I felt so many times before coursed through me and I couldn't get enough.

I wanted to ask her if she felt it –the spark but I know she did. She did the first time we touched. It was like wildfire. The feeling was like a fire set ablaze and it wouldn't stop. No amount of water could weaken it and no amount of time could let it burnout.

That's when I knew I needed to be alone with her. I couldn't control whatever_ this_ was between us. Maybe it was just a phase. I thought. That once I got her out of my system I could finally focus on what was important. And that's what I did. I asked her to meet me upstairs in twenty minutes and I left. I didn't worry about telling Elena where I was going because she was preoccupied. When I say preoccupied I mean dragging a guy into the nearest closed door to have her way with him.

I went upstairs to the point of rendezvous. I could feel my heart ramming against my chest. That never happens. How could one girl make me feel that way? When I found the designated room, I walked in and paced the floor. Thoughts of her not coming filled my mind. God I was being pathetic. What the fuck was wrong with me?

A couple of agonizing minutes later Ana walked in and all the air in my lungs left my body. She was breathtaking. If I thought my self control was slipping then it most definitely has spiraled out of my power now.

And then it happened. I slowly stood up, moving robotically like I was checked out. My lips then met hers in a perfect rhythm, and my hands were on each side of hips clinging her tightly to me. However I was being very gentle with her, fearing that I would break this fragile woman in front of me. I could feel her body shaking, both of the adrenaline, and the fact that I had caught her off-guard.

Our lips parted and I could hear her heart beating so fast it was almost hurting my ears. We were both breathless now, and I let my thumbs stroke her cheek as I pulled away, trying the best I could to convince myself that this was not a dream. She had kissed me back. She had kissed me. But the worse thing was that I initiated the kiss. I, an educator violating the terms and rules of the policy handbook I signed when I became a professor at WSUV.

After I realized what I had done I went into panic mode. I started to beg – something I have never done because I've never had to. Luckily I didn't have do much for her to wave off the situation like it never happened. But when I opened the room's door I knew I would never forget what occurred in that room. Elena had caught us, me doing the last thing on earth I was supposed to be doing. I could tell in her eyes she knew I had lost sight of what I truly was supposed to be doing with Ana. So my only choice was to be the bad guy – play it off enough to make it seem like I did have her best interests in mind even though I could care less about our deal.

I told, more like yelled at Ana to go. She was reluctant at first but then slowly left, but I knew she was hurt I just hope she knew I was only trying to protect her.

"Look at the mess you have made." Elena said as she made a tisking sound. I want to roll my eyes, but she isn't too fond on disrespect. And my head would be on the chopping block if she caught me doing so.

"I have everything under control. There is nothing to worry about. I've just had a minor setback." It was the truth and without saying so she would have seen right through me.

"She is clouding your judgment Christian. She will ruin you if you let her. Remember why you are doing this. Who you're doing this for. You've come so far and I would hate to see you lose it all for one girl who is just another obstacle you have to get past. I know you'll do the right thing. If not for you then for your sister." Each one of her words dug deeper, taking permanent residence, making home in the deepest corners of my mind.

So now I am here, in my office, wallowing in the dark, at a standstill. My conscience is pulling to two different sides. Both choices making my heart to break. I just wish time could stand still so I wouldn't have to bare this contemplation that is killing me from the inside out. My love for my sister motivated my life's work that I currently hold but the feeling I have for Ana I can no longer conceal. I don't truly know what these feelings are or what I mean but I know they are there.

I still want answers. And that only person that can give them to me is Ana. She can't know anything. Not my involvement with Elena or my past. It would only drive a wedge between us. Her trust in me would be broken and so would I. And in the end everyone loses. Yet the one who suffers the most is me.

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**SUPER IMPORTANT PLEASE READ AN: **So sorry for the delay. My schedule has been loaded with events and I just didn't have time to finish and perfect it. But I finally managed to get it how I wanted it and I hope you all enjoyed it. Please stay with me. I will do my absolute best to update next week. I haven't started on the next chapter. But I would love to know how you might want things to go between the characters. Or even just let me know what you like so far. Thank you so much for sticking with this story. I promise to not disappoint.** REVIEW!**


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